Day 73 - Mood swings continued

I wanted to say that I was stabilizing but no, Monday and Tuesday were terrible mental health days. I jotted some notes through my tears yesterday morning. Let me see if I can distill something tangible out of them.

It started when I was told by my best dude friend that I would not be allowed to visit him in Tampa this coming weekend because his girlfriend would be out of town. She doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. The history behind that...he's my ex-boyfriend. We broke up, became best friends. It works better this way, but you can see how that would seem strange and complicated for a current girlfriend. As for me, well, I have odd ideas about how the world works (yes, I am truly acknowledging that they are odd). I find it absurd that she doesn't trust us to behave ourselves properly whilst she's away. Long story short...this triggered intense emotion. If I weren't leaving for Africa in 10 weeks, I believe I would have shrugged it off and said, ok, fine, another weekend, no big deal, but not going down this weekend likely means not going down at all. I'll miss seeing the new house they just bought and won't get to hang in tampa one last time. This made me sad. One friend suggested that it caused such an intense mourning-like reaction because it's a tangible beginning to the goodbyes that will be scattered through the coming weeks, none of which are going to be easy.

I attributed it to other things. My need for love and acceptance, for one. It hurts to feel not trusted and it hurts to be told that I can't hang with a best friend because of our history and someone else's insecurities. The thing is, I don't really blame her. There was a time when I would have felt exactly the same way. The incident is, also, a stark reminder that I am no one's top priority, or at least it feels that way. And, sometimes, I even wonder if I'm MY OWN top priority. For a short moment there, I just felt my spirit was broken...I cried through my workout, all out laid on the ground and balled as I did V-sits, but I did them. I did the whole damn workout out tears and all. In some ways, I feel my routine is the only thing keeping me afloat and focused during these episodes. In another lifetime (well, really only a year ago), I would have crawled under my covers and cried and cried and cried and not eaten and cried some more and then maybe I would've motivated just enough to get to work. At least now, I'm crying but staying centered as much as possible on the task at hand.

Then, it got me to thinking that there is a reason why monks and nuns and those doing serious inner work retreat to a place with stringent routines and hard-core stability. Change and instability in outside life add up to a complicated, rather unstable inner life. And, so, as I've discussed multiple times, I am about to change my life in about the most complete way possible. I think, at this point, I just need to accept that the next few months will be intensely emotional and that I will have bad days. All I can do is stay with my meditation and do my best to remember why I'm doing this and what is positive about it. Yes, it's stressful, but it's stressful in a good way. Maybe I can shift my attitude a bit and enjoy selling my stuff and making myself lighter in this world. Or, really appreciate the deepness of the emotional experiences I will share with my friends as I bid farewell, because the only reason these moments are going to be so difficult is because I've forged deep, unshakable connections with these people. And, this makes me feel blessed and fortunate. These beautiful people are a fixture in my forever family, and that is something to celebrate.

Today, I'm better, happier, more content. I sold a couple pieces of furniture, made a little cash and came up with a plan for storage of the few pieces of furniture I'll keep. A few check marks on my massive mental to do list. Other goodness, my ballet class was wonderful tonight. I've made amazing progress. My KFB work is really starting to show. I'd never be as far in ballet if I wasn't doing KFB at the same time. My front leg swings are HIGH now. I almost feel like they're at about 160. I'm considering filming them to get a good look, perhaps I only think they're that high. The point is, my flexibility is off the charts in comparison to a couple months ago. Meaning that, I'm nowhere near where I'd ideally love to be, but I am sooooooo much closer than I ever dreamed possible.

On a side note, holiday sweets are being thrown at me from every angle...I pop around a corner and some smiling face is walking toward me with a looming box of sprinkle covered sugar cookies. Oh, how I LOVE sugar cookies! Or, I look up from my desk to see two co-workers excitedly offering me a tantalizing slice of pumpkin pie. Grrrrr...and, always it would be an insult to not take the cookie or the pie. My strategy...take a bite or two, put sweet down to continue working, co-workers leave, wrap sweet discreetly in napkin and deposit in gigantic, anonymous trash can. I get to taste the wonderfulness of the sweet treat but avoid most of the negative side effects. I'd say that's a fair compromise.

PS The low tomorrow night is supposed to be 26. My bones ache in anticipation.

Day 71 - Squid

A post inspired by Ren.

I've been feeling uninspired to write lately, so I thought some picture of tonight's dinner would suffice. Scallops and squid with steamed bok choy, radishes and turnips. Pumpkin is still in the oven.

Also, I'm feeling sad tonight because the world in my head does not match the world around me. Yes, I know, duh, but it's making me especially sad this evening. Cyberhugs are welcomed.

Day 67 - Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm in Atlanta, visiting the family, doing my best to eat correctly and keep up with my workouts. Workouts so far, so good. Eating, well, let's just say I have a beautiful whitehead displaying my Thanksgiving downfall to the entire world. I ate a gigantic salad with raw veggies last night for dinner with a bit of pork, sauerkraut and mashed potatoes on the side. I craved the salad and could not finish my pork dish. Today, I have Thanksgiving at my Mom's house. It never, ever ends. I just have to do my best and suffer the consequences. ~sigh~

Last night, my brother told me I'd never be able to defend myself with Kung Fu. This in response to my thoughts that if I were to stay in Gainesville I would join the local dojo and study with a dude that teaches Kung Fu there. Desmond Jackson's his name. I've been told by friends familiar with the dojo that he's badass. Anyway, I wasn't really sure how to respond to my brother other than to say, ummmm...ok. What does that even have to do with my desire to want to continue studying what I've started learning the basics in over the past couple months? I've never even considered the program a self-defense program, but if it did indeed help me defend myself, it'd be a nice side effect. Ah, family.

My mental state seems to have balanced out. I'm finally starting to absorb my imminent departure from the States and am able to focus on what needs to be done piece by piece. Everything will be better than fine if I just keep myself grounded, focused and sober.

Day 64 - Nervous breakdown?

I feel like I am damn near close to one. The emotion, the stress, I can feel it weighing down my body and controlling my mind. So much to do, so little time to do it. I'm to the point where I want to take it all, throw it in a big pile and light a fucking match. What do I need with all this stuff, all these memories piled into drawers, stuck into boxes, why do we weigh ourselves down with all this crap?

Day 62 - Friendsgiving

In contrast to Ren's onsen dinner, I ate a gigantic, traditional potluck style Thanksgiving with my friends, fondly know as Friendsgiving. On this day, I'd already accepted that my diet would be out the window. Friendgiving is special to me, and it will be my last one here in Gainesville. I even allowed drinking for the day. I ate so much that my stomach HURT! Hurt so good....my friends can cook. I mean, holy crap, it was a true smorgasbord of gourmet Thanksgiving deliciousness. It was all very rich, but nothing was packaged or processed foods. All scratch.

I cooked the turkey. My first turkey. Turned out great! Mixing suggestions from friends, family and Alton Brown, I brined it overnight and then poured steaming white wine mixed with apple, onion, cinnamon stick, rosemary & sage into the cavity before tossing it in the oven. Only took 2 1/2 hours and the meat was near perfect. Not quite as juicy as I would have liked but the homemade gravy I made with the turkey drippings covered that up well. I also made a wild rice stuffing with the drippings, added mushrooms, onion, celery and dried cranberries. My food was fatty but it was food. And, it was good. The turkey was ravaged, gravy demolished and stuffing finished during intermission between Harry Potter 5 & 6.

So, food-wise, I'm not going to lie. The last third of this KFB is going to be a challenge. It's the beginning of the eating season (as my father said this morning) and bonding in this way is a large part of my traditional upbringing. My goals are to limit eating out and to be strict with myself when it's just me. This should give me some breathing room for the days where I'll be expected to eat large amounts of rich foods. However, considering that I'll be moving to another continent for over 2 years, I want to really be a part of these events.

Friendsgiving was important to me in that it was chance for me to get all my Gainesville family in one place and really enjoy them. Soon, people will start scattering for the holidays, some won't be back before I leave town. In the next few weeks, I'm going to have to start saying my good-byes. One by one. This is the heart-wrenching part of moving on to new adventures, closing down the old ones. This family I've created here in Gainesville is deeply embedded in who I am as a person. Though there is something comforting about that statement, if they are so much a part of me then they will always be with me. I only need think of them and the security of their love will blanket me. Still, there IS something finite about hugging someone you love and not knowing when you will feel the tightness of their arms again. At least, you were fortunate enough to rest in their embrace for even a short amount of time.

Day 60 - Comic relief

How not to do Kung Fu....

Bwaahahaha!!! Gets me everytime.

Day 59 - Stress

I am stressed, extra stressed. I know because I've developed an eye twitch. Last time my eye twitched like this was the month leading up to and the duration of my qualification exams. The twitch is also linked to lack of sleep, of which I did not get enough of last night. As a consequence, my day's been a wreck. I'm grouchy and constantly on the verge of tears. I didn't do my entire workout this morning, just jumping and 8MA. I'm taking the night off from ballet and must decide if I want to finish the workout today or slide into a hot bath when I get home and just relax. I haven't skipped a workout yet and probably won't tonight, but I'm tempted.

There's a lot rattling around in my head right now, and it didn't help to call my my mom this morning. I thought maybe I should tell her my country assignment, but as always, the response was, well, lacking enthusiasm. "Oh, ok, is that good?" "Ummm...yeah, it's the region I want to work in." "Ok, well, that's nice, honey." Then, she launches into a list of all the things that are wrong in her life. Her dog's sick. She's sick with a million different ailments, the lastest of which is due entirely to her weight. I almost wish she'd kept it to herself. It does no good to tell her what to eat to lose weight because there's always an excuse. "Well, the guys (her husband and brother) won't eat that food." Ok, well, cook something separate for yourself. "I don't have time for that..." And, the next part is all in my head, "WHAT?!?! You're at home ALL DAY!!! You don't work! And, you're telling me that you don't have time to cook a healthy meal for yourself?!? That's a load of bullshit!" ARGH!!!!! I hate it. I hate watching her do this to herself. And, I hate feeling the way I feel about my mom right now because it makes me feel like a bad daughter. This sucks.

Ok, thanks for letting me blog it out. I've been spilling this on any friend willing or unwilling to listen today. Each time I offload, I feel a tad bit better.

Zambia! 2011! Yay!