Day 42 - Crash & Burn

Party was amazing. I consumed my weight in sugary, fatty goodness. Brownies, cake, halloween candy, you name it. I crashed and burned in a blazing wreck of taste sensation. I gorged. It's been 6 months since I allowed myself that kind of over-the-top consumption. No alcohol. Just sweets, sweets and more sweets. It was fabulous, and I will pay for it. I accept and welcome my fate.

Pictures to come....

Day 41 - CSA!

I'm squirming with excitement right now. Why? Because I got my first newsletter from my CSA (community supported agriculture) farm, Swallowtail, which means I get my first delivery on Monday!!! I paid $550 (actually $275, splitting my share with a friend) for 6 months worth of local, organic produce and other random good foods. The pick-up point is walkable distance from one of my jobs. Here's a excerpt from the newsletter to get you pumped up, too:

So, a great warm welcome from all of us that have been working at the farm, preparing for this coming week! Zach and I and the rest of our crew have been doing much preparation, and are excited that the time has finally arrived. We have been preparing ground, busily planting, harvesting sweet potatoes from the summer, growing corn and sunflowers and beans and peppers and eggplant and so much more.

We have installed a walk-in cooler in our barn, we've poured a floor, and are in the process of building on a greenhouse for the winter. We're also building a second shade-house for our baby plants. I am going this afternoon to pick up chickens, and a movable house that they will help to fertilize our fields with, and next month, we will be bringing cows to the farm. The swarm of bees that i caught over the summer time have settled in nicely and are building up their honey stores for winter. The cowpeas that we planted as cover crop over most of the fields in summer have ripened and will yield very soon to new beds and winter rye and oats and winter peas.

This coming monday will be our first day of Community Supported Agriculture at the UF campus. It brings me great joy and appreciation that this effort is underway, and that the farm to campus connection has been initiated. I am certain there will be a sweet something created by this happening over time, and that it will serve a small but pivotal role in the enrichment of our food culture here in Gainesville. I want to let each of you know how important your decision to support a small, sustainable, local farm is; in my understanding, this model of agriculture and farm to consumer relationship reaches to the very roots of so many of the challenges we face in our time. You are truly pioneers here in the South with the CSA movement, and I appreciate your faith, your commitment, and your support of Swallowtail Farm.

You're jealous, I know. It's ok, I would be to if I were you. (Frozen vegetables, Ren & Patrick? Yuck! ;-P) I feel like Christmas is coming or something. I'm THAT excited about my surprise shopping bag full of goodness. Since I'm splitting, I'll probably still have to supplement from our local grocery, which stocks local produce, too, but since I may be leaving Gainesville in early spring, I didn't want to commit without someone else to benefit from and receive the rest of my share. Plus, one share is, from my understanding, a brimming grocery bag of food. We'll see. Pictures to come on Monday. I'm waiting for the day when the marijuana production is legalized, and we also get a small monthly share of locally grown herb in our bag of freshness. You're probably thinking that's just ridiculous, Jenny. Yeah, maybe, but why? I mean, in all honesty, it's easy to grow outside as long as the seasons are respected, but you're right, it's been so demonized by bad press that the idea of it being so easily attainable is likely impossible in my lifetime. Still, getting it in such a way would solve a lot of the conundrums that are mixed up in my decision to smoke. I have decided to abstain while training because it does affect me in a way that is not optimal for this project, but I still have zero problem with partaking in a responsible, moderate manner. Much like I believe alcohol or sugary, fatty foods should be consumed...

My real reason for considering giving it up is much more complex than just, "Oh, it's bad for me. It's a drug. I shouldn't smoke it." That reasoning just doesn't fly with me. I know that I can control myself and my urges at this point. Since I stopped smoking, I've had zero urge to seek it out, no cravings for it and miss it only slightly in certain situations. I look at my bong everyday when I get home and it doesn't cause stress, anxiety or longing. I can control the urge. Easily. What really gets to me is the karma associated with the purchase of a bag of MJ. The drug trade in Mexico is out of control. The drug trade here is full of evil and suffering, too. When I buy $50 worth, I have no idea what journey that little bag has taken or who has been hurt in the process of getting it to me. The idea of supporting an industry that spreads so much pain gets to me, just like that video of the little male chicks being ground up alive.

The only way to solve this ethical dilemma is knowing my source. That could mean a pot CSA or actually growing it myself. I would grow it myself, but I no longer think the risk is worth the reward. I support it's legalization, and I support allowing private citizens to grow a small number of plants for personal consumption. I don't expect the big drug companies to be on board with this, and I suspect this is part of the reason for the slow process of legalization. I, also, expect that the drug lords will do their part in impeding the legalization process, too. The last thing they want is for control of such a valuable commodity to be in the hands of the people where it fucking belongs (excuse my french, I get passionate about this subject).

I just bought a $0.10 copy of Small Is Beautiful and am about to dig in. I've been wanting to read this book for a long time. I expect it will cement my belief in decentralization of so many processes. My only problem with decentralization is how to accomplish it....right now, I don't see any attractive way to do this through our political system. ~sigh~ Ok, I'll just leave off now. I'm getting into too much with this post. My mind is flowing uncontrolled at this point. :)

DIA DE LOS MUERTOS PARTY TONIGHT!!!! Wish y'all could be here. xo!

Day 39 - Cravings

I've been having cravings but not the typical junk food cravings. All I want nowadays is milk, yogurt, eggs, sweet potatoes and avocados...with a little honey in the mix for sweetness. I swear, I could live off these things. I could go buy some random protein for dinner tonight and probably should, but I really want the same thing I had for dinner last night. 2 eggs scrambled with thyme, grape tomatoes and a wee bit of sharp white cheddar, seasoned with nothing but white pepper. On the side, steamed broccoli and sweet potatoes, both plain, nothing added. I just don't want anything else, and the broccoli is just to throw in some variety and green.

Also, ballet wrecked my legs last night. My groin muscles have been aching ALL DAY LONG. I think I'm gonna soak in a hot bath this evening. Maybe that will help relax things?

Day 37B - Haiku, anyone?

Banana tree leaf

Washed in moonlight and dew;

soft, cool suppleness.

This morning, with the moon bright and direct overhead, I saw my banana tree as if for the first time. I touched one leaf, felt its softness, held it over my head and scrutinized its internal anatomy outlined through moonbeams, let the dew from the underside trickle down my arms, rubbed the silky smoothness against my face. I realized its enormity.

In a month or so, North Florida will experience its first frost of the season, and my banana tree will die. I'll hack the dead stalk down with my machete and drag it to the forest to decompose. It will never bear fruit, but next spring, without fail, it will re-sprout from its stump and begin the cycle all over again.

If I ever end up in a loony bin, it might be because someone caught me petting my banana tree. I looked crazy but I felt completely sane.

Day 37A - Ugh.

I just ate fast food for the first time since Indulgence #2 on PCP. My excuse, I just plain ran out of time today. I had to eat before teaching (in 2 minutes), and I bought a Chargrilled Chick-fil-a sandwich. I figured, at least it's not fried and comes with a whole wheat bun and lettuce and tomato. It was GROSS. I mean, so much salt it was burning my tongue. Is that even possible??? It's final. My tastes have changed. I'm oversensitive to salt. Too much is a bad thing.

Tune in later for some Haddle Haiku. Seriously, I wrote a Haiku this morning to share but not right now. :)

Day 36 - Relaxing to new levels

Good workout this morning, great ballet class tonight. Not perfect, just noticing improvements.

Now that I'm aware of the tension I unconsciously held in my body, I can actually focus on relaxing into new levels of kicks, power punches, stretches and ballet balance. The pull in my right leg isn't completely healed, but I was able to swing through it this morning with little pain. I love freestyle. Each set flew by and I found myself wanting to just punch and punch, kick and kick. I will make that teeny tiny evil ball my bitch. I also noticed that when I let my body relax, my balance was much more stable in ballet. The legs were tensed holding me up but when I let the rest of my body just relax into the posture, I immediately stopped wavering. Felt right.

I can't help but connect all of this to my emotional situation early in the weekend. I was really feeling the weaknesses in my body, the injuries, the limitations. At the same time, I was seriously reflecting on some life issues. The relief from the emotional turmoil came at the same time I discovered and truly understood the usefulness of letting go of tension during my workout.

So, what are we in right now, Week 6? I feel like it's taken me this long to discover a key that will open the door to real progress. Exit Jenny.

Enter the Ninja....

Day 35 - Practice makes perfect

My emotions are back in balance. I enjoyed the wedding reception last night. Danced my ass off in my blazing red come f%&k me heels. You know the kind. I don't get to wear them often, and it was fun to pair them with a $2 thrift store dress. It's the first wedding reception in a long time that I've done sober. I loved it, and left early enough to get some decent sleep. Win.

I also made it to the Asian festival today. It was actually some quality time with some of the same friends I've been feeling distanced from as of late. :) Among the things I enjoyed at the festival today, a performance by Chinese acrobats, Aikido demonstrations, beautiful bonsai trees, spicy Kung Pao peanut ice cream (sorry, I felt it was sinful to pass up trying this flavor, DELICIOUS!), and lots of window shopping the booths.

Tonight, I watched our local roller derby team. If I was going to stick around Gainesville for awhile, I might consider going out for the team. That shit looks fun, and I could dress all crazy and slutty and it would be acceptable! Instead, I just watch. The home team won. And, a couple girls on the other team cried.

Last thing I want to share tonight...I ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. Got a gigantic bowl of tofu rice noodle soup. 'Twas excellent. And, in my fortune cookie, "Practice makes perfect." Auspicious.