Final Post - In Love

First off, let me apologize for taking so long to get this final post pulled together. Let's just say that the Holidays are a most challenging time for finishing a hard-core project such as KFB. No excuses, though. I chose it; I must follow through.

I am in love with my body. I love the way it looks now. I love the way it feels as I move through space. I love the way my body burns through Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I love the way my body bounces back from a knock-down, drag-out flu. I love how it plies and pirouettes and jump kicks and puffs candles out (once in awhile). I love how my body is nowhere near its peak and everyday of practice brings triumphant accomplishments and frustrating challenges. I love it, totally and completely. Thank you to the creators of PCP and KFB for bringing me to a wonderful, fresh understanding of my physicality.

Now, let's break it down to some specifics, starting with the benchmarks. Jump Height. Honestly, my jump height didn't improve all that much. Maybe I added an extra half inch? Not much more. After all the floor jumps, pistol squats and creeps during PCP, I already had some killer leg muscles. Perhaps I should add some extra leg exercises to my workouts once in awhile and see if it carries me higher. Ball punches went from 26 to 72. I'd say that's some improvement. Morning forward bend from touching toes to touching the floor, hands not flat on the floor but halfway flat. Nice. My flexibility makes me happy, and it can only get better.

Pictures. This montage is a post-PCP picture on the left and a post-KFB picture on the right. I apologize for not brushing my hair for the KFB pic but really are you interested in my hair?

The differences are subtle. Legs are bigger. Some of that may be high calorie holiday dishes, hard to say really. The biggest difference is in my core, especially my external obliques. Those babies are impressive.

The strength packed into that core blows my mind. No, I cannot do 10 full kung fu sit-ups in a row (toes touching bar) but I can do 2 with my toes ALMOST touching the bar. That is a far cry from barely pulling them to a 90 degree angle in my first attempt at a kung fu sit-up. I can now do 4-5 pull-ups in a row, up from the 1-2 that I could do when I finished PCP. Jumping rope. I'm a pro. Criss-crosses, I got 'em, multiples in a row. Double jumps are easy. Jumping on one foot, doing the Rocky, give me a jumprope trick, I'll make it happen.

So, those are the stats. Now for my feelings. Actually, I want to do some comparison with PCP. My experience of each program was completely different. KFB was a fairly solitary journey for me, whereas PCP was a group adventure. I chose not to share my KFB blog with the Facebook world or even with many of my friends. Also, the support was just not as enthusiastic or as constant as during PCP. I know this has a lot to do with timing, with group dynamics, etc. but I wonder if KFB is just bound to be more isolating. Because of this, I almost think that PCP should be a prerequisite to KFB. I'm not sure that I would've been as successful without my first COMPLETE stamp.

I was less disciplined with my diet on KFB. I wasn't super lenient, but I was more forgiving of special occasions. Coming off of PCP, I knew the diet. I was prepared. I didn't think twice about my veggies for breakfast or refraining from salt. No sugar in my coffee. No problem. No desserts in the house. Done. Limited cheese. Fine. No fried foods. Easy enough. And, most importantly, lots of lean meats, fresh veggies and fruits. These things were easy because I already had my system from PCP in place. I didn't need to think twice. So, whereas I think PCP turned my world upside-down, I think KFB was the one stabilizing factor in a life that's gone hectic, topsy-turvy in the last couple of months. The times they are a-changin', but I'm still jumping rope and meditating everyday. I need some constants in the face of a completely blank slate future.

I adored the KFB workouts. I still adore them. I've done two maintenance workouts and plan on trying to intersperse some workouts from the PCP maintenance plan. Mostly for a little diversity and to target some other muscles. I'll continue to work with ballet and plan on focusing more intensely on yoga while in Africa. I'll have enough time to do 2 workouts a day if I so desire. Cardio/strength in the morning. Stretching/flexibility work in the evening. It'll be awesome!

So, with that, let me just say thank you to my team for having my back. No matter how far along you made it in the journey or how challenging it was to stick with KFB, I know you all grew from this experience as much as me. Also, thanks to those who followed my blog, the commenters and the lurkers. And, of course, thanks to Patrick. I won't prolong the thank you, because I think you know how much I appreciate you. At this point, I consider you a long lost friend who's finally reentered my circle. Here's a gift for you. The metro-Atlanta area covered in Christmas snow.

This White Christmas was a gift from the Universe, a reminder of why life is so precious. The snow started to fall only 5 minutes into my 4-mile Christmas day run. At the end of my run, I was rewarded with a solitary moment at the edge of a magical field, a place that fills my childhood memories. I stood quiet, listening carefully as each gentle snowflake embraced the dry, brittle leaves leftover from Autumn's massacre. Life is truly breath-taking.

So, I've been waiting for this moment since I started KFB. Without further ado,

And, I will kick your ass in my zebra skivvies!

Day 90XXX - Complete

For those of you still tuning in.... Done. Done. and Done. It took me about 20 minutes to get a no miss on those 3 ping pong balls. Who knew that one day I would think of ping pong balls as my arch nemesis. Wrap-up to come in a couple days with pictures and deep thoughts and all that jazz.

Day 90X - I'm back!

Ok, fever gone, cough subsiding, snot not as intense. My body is 80% better. A monumental come-back, which says a lot for the health of my body on KFB. Dude, I was sooooo sick. On Saturday, I was still running a slight fever and was RAVENOUS. I ate and ate, drank tons of broth, and the slightest activity wore me out completely. I did motivate enough to go see Black Swan, which was exhausting in itself, also exquisitely exhilarating and erotic. A must see for any fans of Aronofsky, Natalie Portman or ballet.

So, I was feeling much better last night and did a half hour stretching session then went to bed early. I'm starting where I left off on the program (cutting sets in half temporarily while my body continues to heal) this morning and should finish up on Wednesday with a wrap-up final post on Thursday or Friday. Patrick instructed me to "git 'er done!" Ok, ok, Patrick, did not say that EXACTLY, but something like it. So, per his instruction, I will finish as quick as possible. I'm only a few days behind. Hopefully, my 3 days of flu didn't diminish my strength too much. I want that COMPLETE and I'm not stopping till I get it. I've come too far to slide now.

Congrats to my teammate, Renfield!! He looks and sounds amazing!

Day 89B - Still sick

Fever up to 102 now. ~sigh~ Well, obviously, I'm not going to be doing any working out until my fever breaks and then I'll have to start back slow and work into it. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep this morning as I'd promised a friend that I'd take him to get his bottom wisdom teeth out, sit and drive him home. 4 hours later, I'm finally relaxing on my couch. I have some turkey broth (from the Thanksgiving turkey) heating up on the stove. I'll supplement with some sweet potatoes and citrus. Basically, I'm just going to eat what I crave and what I'm craving right now is good but bland food. No fat, no sugar. Just straight up vitamins and proteins. Lucky for me I cooked up a big batch of pumpkin soup last night and I have loads of turkey stock. I'm good to go.

Send me healing vibes, people. My body is pain, total and complete pain. If my fever reaches 103, I will break down and take ibuprofen but until then, I'm covering up and sweating it out. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, catch up on Fringe, sleep.

PS My dreaded goodbye has come and passed. There's some pain in my heart lingering from that as well. All is ouch.

Day 89 - Sick

101 F fever. Suck.

Day 87 - Ballet

That's my ballet teacher in that picture, Carla. Beautiful, yes? Ballet is all over the place right now. It's nutcracker season; Black Swan is in theaters; and a new book on ballet, Apollo's Angels, is getting rave reviews, so I thought I'd share this NPR article with you, The Tutu's Tale. Quick, easy read. I love that ballet is getting so much respect, because until I started to train, I never understood the accomplishments of professional ballerinas. I will continue to train in the basics while I'm in Africa, but I'll miss my formal class. Even though I'm still the most novice in class, everyone really tries to help me understand. They're patient with me, and I think I've at least earned their respect by sticking with it.

Day 83 - Yard sales & goodbyes

~sigh~

Yes, that's how I'm starting this post, with a sigh. KFB is taking a backseat to life right now. I skipped my workout yesterday and drank WAY too much last night (which really isn't much compared to my past, but still too much). I woke up this morning, sad, with a slight headache and thinking to myself, "Oh yeah, this is why I've made those seemingly hard but healthy choices over the last few months. I hate this feeling." My body doesn't like skipping workouts; it enjoys the activity, the stretching.

Let's back up. The reasons for yesterday's decisions. One. I had a yard sale. I woke up early, and with the help of a kind friend, spent the morning moving furniture and stuff into my yard, then spent most of the day working it. Then, moved all the stuff that didn't sell into the carport and helped my new roommate move some of his stuff into the house. It was a busy day. And, last night was the very last concert of some close Gaineville friends (or should I call them family, that's what they really are). I'm not the only one moving on from Gainesville. 2 of the 3 band members are leaving...one to DC and the other to Hawaii. Tonight will be a goodbye party for the first ones to go. Hence the drinking too much last night.

It's all so heart-rending and final. All of it. The yard sale, the last concert, the good-bye party. Other final things, my gecko and my fish are gone. I've found good homes for them. My house is slowly emptying of the things that I identify as part of me, MY leopard gecko, MY aquarium, MY bookshelves, MY ficus tree, MY scales, MY books, MY CDs, MY, MY, MY STUFF. Symbolic and strange and scary.

This week, a best friend will fly home to South Africa for Christmas and his sister's wedding and won't return to the States until the day I start my journey to southern Africa. Symbolic and strange and scary. I'm dreading this moment, this good-bye with this person. Odd that its the first true good-bye. All I can do is just try to focus on the present moments and appreciate each one for their beauty, let myself grieve and move on. This is life, true and real.

And, so, with that thought, I will move through my day. I'll do my workout from yesterday and just finish out a day behind. No big deal. I'll eat healthful, good food today and nourish my body for the stress to come. I recommit to watching my intake of intoxicants so that I can enjoy all the moments of my life fully. Don't get me wrong. Last night was fun but it's a rarity, not the norm. I'm still here; I'm still plugging along; I'm scared but open and ready to face what's to come.

Day 80 - Defeat

Ping pong balls - 5

Jenny - 0

Day 78 - Ah, cruel, frigid Universe!

Get this. So, tonight is going to be the coldest night of the season thus far. Deep, hard freeze. Low of 24, ice crystals are already forming in the grass. About a half hour ago, I was sitting in my living room, toasty and cozy in front of my gas heater. It sputters, softly at first then more loudly, and poof, it goes out. That's ok, I had the back up tank filled up last time this happened. I'm a responsible human being. I go to switch the tank, only to find both of them open. Huh. Okay, but I still flip the switch to the tank input and cross my fingers.

I hit the button to light the pilot light, it lights a weak little flame that isn't sufficient to even start the heater. So, I go back outside, flip the switch. Come back in. Same deal. A sad excuse for a pilot light and no heat. Apparently, I have two empty tanks of gas. Where is the back-up tank I ordered in 2009? I suspect the folks that came to change the tanks last time replaced the full tank with a full tank and left me the empty. I see no other explanation and am wondering how I'm going to prove this to the gas company, seeing as all this went down 18 months ago.

I'm now sitting in my living room with a chilly nose, frozen fingers and aching toes, wondering why God's sense of humor is so cruel. Really, God, REALLY?!?

Don't worry, I won't die, I have space heaters and an electric blanket. They'll suffice until I get my fabulously efficient gas heater back, but they just aren't the same. :(

I can't help wondering if this is some sort of test. I've spent the day in a great mood. I was productive this weekend; I came home to a clean house; things were calm. Then, poof! No heat. The Universe knows, doesn't it?

Day 76 - Weight Gain

Currently, I weigh almost as much as I did when I started the Peak Condition Project, but my weight is distributed differently. My pre-PCP jeans are still too big and my post-PCP jeans fit just right. I'm fairly positive that I've put some fat back on, especially with my multiple Thanksgivings, but I'm comfortable with it. It's winter, it's cold, a little cushioning is acceptable and fills my jeans out beautifully. :)

That said, it isn't all fat. I've gained a lot of muscle. Those leg swings changed my torso completely. I've got these great big muscles just above my hip bones now. I like them. When I'm warmed up I can throw down some outside/inside crescents. Tonight's workout felt great. Though, I did find that after wearing my arms out with pull-ups, tricep dips and kung-fu sit-ups, I was not nearly as effective at putting out candle flames. Frustrating! The other morning I snuffed the candle a good 20 times. Today, once.

Day 74 - Whoosh!

This morning, I extinguished a candle with my teeny fists of fury.

Day 73 - Mood swings continued

I wanted to say that I was stabilizing but no, Monday and Tuesday were terrible mental health days. I jotted some notes through my tears yesterday morning. Let me see if I can distill something tangible out of them.

It started when I was told by my best dude friend that I would not be allowed to visit him in Tampa this coming weekend because his girlfriend would be out of town. She doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. The history behind that...he's my ex-boyfriend. We broke up, became best friends. It works better this way, but you can see how that would seem strange and complicated for a current girlfriend. As for me, well, I have odd ideas about how the world works (yes, I am truly acknowledging that they are odd). I find it absurd that she doesn't trust us to behave ourselves properly whilst she's away. Long story short...this triggered intense emotion. If I weren't leaving for Africa in 10 weeks, I believe I would have shrugged it off and said, ok, fine, another weekend, no big deal, but not going down this weekend likely means not going down at all. I'll miss seeing the new house they just bought and won't get to hang in tampa one last time. This made me sad. One friend suggested that it caused such an intense mourning-like reaction because it's a tangible beginning to the goodbyes that will be scattered through the coming weeks, none of which are going to be easy.

I attributed it to other things. My need for love and acceptance, for one. It hurts to feel not trusted and it hurts to be told that I can't hang with a best friend because of our history and someone else's insecurities. The thing is, I don't really blame her. There was a time when I would have felt exactly the same way. The incident is, also, a stark reminder that I am no one's top priority, or at least it feels that way. And, sometimes, I even wonder if I'm MY OWN top priority. For a short moment there, I just felt my spirit was broken...I cried through my workout, all out laid on the ground and balled as I did V-sits, but I did them. I did the whole damn workout out tears and all. In some ways, I feel my routine is the only thing keeping me afloat and focused during these episodes. In another lifetime (well, really only a year ago), I would have crawled under my covers and cried and cried and cried and not eaten and cried some more and then maybe I would've motivated just enough to get to work. At least now, I'm crying but staying centered as much as possible on the task at hand.

Then, it got me to thinking that there is a reason why monks and nuns and those doing serious inner work retreat to a place with stringent routines and hard-core stability. Change and instability in outside life add up to a complicated, rather unstable inner life. And, so, as I've discussed multiple times, I am about to change my life in about the most complete way possible. I think, at this point, I just need to accept that the next few months will be intensely emotional and that I will have bad days. All I can do is stay with my meditation and do my best to remember why I'm doing this and what is positive about it. Yes, it's stressful, but it's stressful in a good way. Maybe I can shift my attitude a bit and enjoy selling my stuff and making myself lighter in this world. Or, really appreciate the deepness of the emotional experiences I will share with my friends as I bid farewell, because the only reason these moments are going to be so difficult is because I've forged deep, unshakable connections with these people. And, this makes me feel blessed and fortunate. These beautiful people are a fixture in my forever family, and that is something to celebrate.

Today, I'm better, happier, more content. I sold a couple pieces of furniture, made a little cash and came up with a plan for storage of the few pieces of furniture I'll keep. A few check marks on my massive mental to do list. Other goodness, my ballet class was wonderful tonight. I've made amazing progress. My KFB work is really starting to show. I'd never be as far in ballet if I wasn't doing KFB at the same time. My front leg swings are HIGH now. I almost feel like they're at about 160. I'm considering filming them to get a good look, perhaps I only think they're that high. The point is, my flexibility is off the charts in comparison to a couple months ago. Meaning that, I'm nowhere near where I'd ideally love to be, but I am sooooooo much closer than I ever dreamed possible.

On a side note, holiday sweets are being thrown at me from every angle...I pop around a corner and some smiling face is walking toward me with a looming box of sprinkle covered sugar cookies. Oh, how I LOVE sugar cookies! Or, I look up from my desk to see two co-workers excitedly offering me a tantalizing slice of pumpkin pie. Grrrrr...and, always it would be an insult to not take the cookie or the pie. My strategy...take a bite or two, put sweet down to continue working, co-workers leave, wrap sweet discreetly in napkin and deposit in gigantic, anonymous trash can. I get to taste the wonderfulness of the sweet treat but avoid most of the negative side effects. I'd say that's a fair compromise.

PS The low tomorrow night is supposed to be 26. My bones ache in anticipation.