It started when I was told by my best dude friend that I would not be allowed to visit him in Tampa this coming weekend because his girlfriend would be out of town. She doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. The history behind that...he's my ex-boyfriend. We broke up, became best friends. It works better this way, but you can see how that would seem strange and complicated for a current girlfriend. As for me, well, I have odd ideas about how the world works (yes, I am truly acknowledging that they are odd). I find it absurd that she doesn't trust us to behave ourselves properly whilst she's away. Long story short...this triggered intense emotion. If I weren't leaving for Africa in 10 weeks, I believe I would have shrugged it off and said, ok, fine, another weekend, no big deal, but not going down this weekend likely means not going down at all. I'll miss seeing the new house they just bought and won't get to hang in tampa one last time. This made me sad. One friend suggested that it caused such an intense mourning-like reaction because it's a tangible beginning to the goodbyes that will be scattered through the coming weeks, none of which are going to be easy.
I attributed it to other things. My need for love and acceptance, for one. It hurts to feel not trusted and it hurts to be told that I can't hang with a best friend because of our history and someone else's insecurities. The thing is, I don't really blame her. There was a time when I would have felt exactly the same way. The incident is, also, a stark reminder that I am no one's top priority, or at least it feels that way. And, sometimes, I even wonder if I'm MY OWN top priority. For a short moment there, I just felt my spirit was broken...I cried through my workout, all out laid on the ground and balled as I did V-sits, but I did them. I did the whole damn workout out tears and all. In some ways, I feel my routine is the only thing keeping me afloat and focused during these episodes. In another lifetime (well, really only a year ago), I would have crawled under my covers and cried and cried and cried and not eaten and cried some more and then maybe I would've motivated just enough to get to work. At least now, I'm crying but staying centered as much as possible on the task at hand.
Then, it got me to thinking that there is a reason why monks and nuns and those doing serious inner work retreat to a place with stringent routines and hard-core stability. Change and instability in outside life add up to a complicated, rather unstable inner life. And, so, as I've discussed multiple times, I am about to change my life in about the most complete way possible. I think, at this point, I just need to accept that the next few months will be intensely emotional and that I will have bad days. All I can do is stay with my meditation and do my best to remember why I'm doing this and what is positive about it. Yes, it's stressful, but it's stressful in a good way. Maybe I can shift my attitude a bit and enjoy selling my stuff and making myself lighter in this world. Or, really appreciate the deepness of the emotional experiences I will share with my friends as I bid farewell, because the only reason these moments are going to be so difficult is because I've forged deep, unshakable connections with these people. And, this makes me feel blessed and fortunate. These beautiful people are a fixture in my forever family, and that is something to celebrate.
Today, I'm better, happier, more content. I sold a couple pieces of furniture, made a little cash and came up with a plan for storage of the few pieces of furniture I'll keep. A few check marks on my massive mental to do list. Other goodness, my ballet class was wonderful tonight. I've made amazing progress. My KFB work is really starting to show. I'd never be as far in ballet if I wasn't doing KFB at the same time. My front leg swings are HIGH now. I almost feel like they're at about 160. I'm considering filming them to get a good look, perhaps I only think they're that high. The point is, my flexibility is off the charts in comparison to a couple months ago. Meaning that, I'm nowhere near where I'd ideally love to be, but I am sooooooo much closer than I ever dreamed possible.
On a side note, holiday sweets are being thrown at me from every angle...I pop around a corner and some smiling face is walking toward me with a looming box of sprinkle covered sugar cookies. Oh, how I LOVE sugar cookies! Or, I look up from my desk to see two co-workers excitedly offering me a tantalizing slice of pumpkin pie. Grrrrr...and, always it would be an insult to not take the cookie or the pie. My strategy...take a bite or two, put sweet down to continue working, co-workers leave, wrap sweet discreetly in napkin and deposit in gigantic, anonymous trash can. I get to taste the wonderfulness of the sweet treat but avoid most of the negative side effects. I'd say that's a fair compromise.
PS The low tomorrow night is supposed to be 26. My bones ache in anticipation.
Your sweets strategy is great! I feel you, though I have to say I was happy I wasn't training over Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteI'm catching up on all your posts but I just wanted to reach out and say YOU RULE! You're kicking ass!!!