Day 71 - Squid

A post inspired by Ren.

I've been feeling uninspired to write lately, so I thought some picture of tonight's dinner would suffice. Scallops and squid with steamed bok choy, radishes and turnips. Pumpkin is still in the oven.

Also, I'm feeling sad tonight because the world in my head does not match the world around me. Yes, I know, duh, but it's making me especially sad this evening. Cyberhugs are welcomed.

Day 67 - Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm in Atlanta, visiting the family, doing my best to eat correctly and keep up with my workouts. Workouts so far, so good. Eating, well, let's just say I have a beautiful whitehead displaying my Thanksgiving downfall to the entire world. I ate a gigantic salad with raw veggies last night for dinner with a bit of pork, sauerkraut and mashed potatoes on the side. I craved the salad and could not finish my pork dish. Today, I have Thanksgiving at my Mom's house. It never, ever ends. I just have to do my best and suffer the consequences. ~sigh~

Last night, my brother told me I'd never be able to defend myself with Kung Fu. This in response to my thoughts that if I were to stay in Gainesville I would join the local dojo and study with a dude that teaches Kung Fu there. Desmond Jackson's his name. I've been told by friends familiar with the dojo that he's badass. Anyway, I wasn't really sure how to respond to my brother other than to say, ummmm...ok. What does that even have to do with my desire to want to continue studying what I've started learning the basics in over the past couple months? I've never even considered the program a self-defense program, but if it did indeed help me defend myself, it'd be a nice side effect. Ah, family.

My mental state seems to have balanced out. I'm finally starting to absorb my imminent departure from the States and am able to focus on what needs to be done piece by piece. Everything will be better than fine if I just keep myself grounded, focused and sober.

Day 64 - Nervous breakdown?

I feel like I am damn near close to one. The emotion, the stress, I can feel it weighing down my body and controlling my mind. So much to do, so little time to do it. I'm to the point where I want to take it all, throw it in a big pile and light a fucking match. What do I need with all this stuff, all these memories piled into drawers, stuck into boxes, why do we weigh ourselves down with all this crap?

Day 62 - Friendsgiving

In contrast to Ren's onsen dinner, I ate a gigantic, traditional potluck style Thanksgiving with my friends, fondly know as Friendsgiving. On this day, I'd already accepted that my diet would be out the window. Friendgiving is special to me, and it will be my last one here in Gainesville. I even allowed drinking for the day. I ate so much that my stomach HURT! Hurt so good....my friends can cook. I mean, holy crap, it was a true smorgasbord of gourmet Thanksgiving deliciousness. It was all very rich, but nothing was packaged or processed foods. All scratch.

I cooked the turkey. My first turkey. Turned out great! Mixing suggestions from friends, family and Alton Brown, I brined it overnight and then poured steaming white wine mixed with apple, onion, cinnamon stick, rosemary & sage into the cavity before tossing it in the oven. Only took 2 1/2 hours and the meat was near perfect. Not quite as juicy as I would have liked but the homemade gravy I made with the turkey drippings covered that up well. I also made a wild rice stuffing with the drippings, added mushrooms, onion, celery and dried cranberries. My food was fatty but it was food. And, it was good. The turkey was ravaged, gravy demolished and stuffing finished during intermission between Harry Potter 5 & 6.

So, food-wise, I'm not going to lie. The last third of this KFB is going to be a challenge. It's the beginning of the eating season (as my father said this morning) and bonding in this way is a large part of my traditional upbringing. My goals are to limit eating out and to be strict with myself when it's just me. This should give me some breathing room for the days where I'll be expected to eat large amounts of rich foods. However, considering that I'll be moving to another continent for over 2 years, I want to really be a part of these events.

Friendsgiving was important to me in that it was chance for me to get all my Gainesville family in one place and really enjoy them. Soon, people will start scattering for the holidays, some won't be back before I leave town. In the next few weeks, I'm going to have to start saying my good-byes. One by one. This is the heart-wrenching part of moving on to new adventures, closing down the old ones. This family I've created here in Gainesville is deeply embedded in who I am as a person. Though there is something comforting about that statement, if they are so much a part of me then they will always be with me. I only need think of them and the security of their love will blanket me. Still, there IS something finite about hugging someone you love and not knowing when you will feel the tightness of their arms again. At least, you were fortunate enough to rest in their embrace for even a short amount of time.

Day 60 - Comic relief

How not to do Kung Fu....

Bwaahahaha!!! Gets me everytime.

Day 59 - Stress

I am stressed, extra stressed. I know because I've developed an eye twitch. Last time my eye twitched like this was the month leading up to and the duration of my qualification exams. The twitch is also linked to lack of sleep, of which I did not get enough of last night. As a consequence, my day's been a wreck. I'm grouchy and constantly on the verge of tears. I didn't do my entire workout this morning, just jumping and 8MA. I'm taking the night off from ballet and must decide if I want to finish the workout today or slide into a hot bath when I get home and just relax. I haven't skipped a workout yet and probably won't tonight, but I'm tempted.

There's a lot rattling around in my head right now, and it didn't help to call my my mom this morning. I thought maybe I should tell her my country assignment, but as always, the response was, well, lacking enthusiasm. "Oh, ok, is that good?" "Ummm...yeah, it's the region I want to work in." "Ok, well, that's nice, honey." Then, she launches into a list of all the things that are wrong in her life. Her dog's sick. She's sick with a million different ailments, the lastest of which is due entirely to her weight. I almost wish she'd kept it to herself. It does no good to tell her what to eat to lose weight because there's always an excuse. "Well, the guys (her husband and brother) won't eat that food." Ok, well, cook something separate for yourself. "I don't have time for that..." And, the next part is all in my head, "WHAT?!?! You're at home ALL DAY!!! You don't work! And, you're telling me that you don't have time to cook a healthy meal for yourself?!? That's a load of bullshit!" ARGH!!!!! I hate it. I hate watching her do this to herself. And, I hate feeling the way I feel about my mom right now because it makes me feel like a bad daughter. This sucks.

Ok, thanks for letting me blog it out. I've been spilling this on any friend willing or unwilling to listen today. Each time I offload, I feel a tad bit better.

Zambia! 2011! Yay!

Day 57 - Tao Teh Ching

I have a pocket sized Tao Teh Ching that I carry in my purse. Every now and then, I pull it out and randomly flip to a passage or two and read. A grab bag of wisdom, if you will....

Here's what the grab bag offered up today.

By not exalting the talented you will cause the people to cease from rivalry and contention.

By not prizing goods hard to get, you will cause the people to cease from robbing and stealing.

By not displaying what is desirable, you will not cause the people's hearts to remain undisturbed.

Therefore, the Sage's way begins by

Emptying the heart of desires,

Filling the belly with food,

Weakening the ambitions,

Toughening the bones.

In this way he will cause the people to remain without knowledge and without desire, and prevent the knowing ones from any ado.

Practice Non-Ado, and everything will be in order.

Whoa. Way wise. Next.

He who knows does not speak.

He who speaks does not know.

Block all the passages!

Shut all the doors!

Blunt all the edges!

Untie all tangles!

Harmonize all lights!

Unite the world into one whole!

This is called the Mystical Whole,

Which you cannot court after nor shun,

Benefit nor harm, honour nor humble.

Therefore, it is the Highest of the world.

Both of these spoke to a couple my deepest weaknesses. Pride/vanity and love of gossip. Traits I've been working to control over the past couple months. Not easy. Hell, it's easier to stay away from chocolate than to control bad emotional habits. I'd go into more detail, but my eyes are starting to shut. It's bedtime. My body is telling me so.

How about I take you out with my big news? :) I've been invited to serve with Peace Corps Zambia as a forestry extension agent. I leave February 14, Valentine's Day. Holy shit, things are happening....

Day 55 - Junk Food

This evening, I passed the McDonald's where I bought a portion of PCP Indulgence #2 and took the moment to reflect on my eating patterns over the last 6 months. Yes, people, that's right, it's been 6 months since I started the PCP/KFB journey.

Here's what I realized. I've only eaten fast food twice in those 6 months. TWICE! I used to eat fast food at least once weekly. Mostly, McDonald's McGriddles or cheeseburgers to sooth a horrific hangover from the night before's party binge. On that note, hangovers are a thing of the past, though I still remember their pain acutely. Other accomplishments, I haven't eaten a Cheez-it, Dorito or Cheeto for 6 months. NOT ONE! Not even a nibble of one. I've had small amounts of tortilla chips, kettle chips and a few SunChips. I mean, this is a revolutionary change in me. I used to keep that junk on hand and snack on it constantly. I could down a half a box of Cheez-its in one sitting, especially if stoned.

The crazy thing, I don't miss it. Not one bit. I only want the junk if it's in my face. Once in a while, I resent having to cook and clean up constantly, but when I think about it, I enjoy cooking, especially when it's leisurely cooking. I'm a good cook. I love my own food. Why pay someone else to cook for me?

Right now, I have a chicken roasting in the oven. Not sure yet what I want to do with the meat, but the carcass will be boiled for stock to make a winter minestrone, a recipe that came with my last CSA newsletter. For dinner tonight, I'm eating tofu marinated and cooked in a light garlic, ginger peanut sauce. It's got a bit of a kick from some dried peppers and will go well with various steamed & roasted veggies through the beginning of the week.

I eat freakin' GOOD, and as a result, when I do eat poorly, my body bounces back quickly.

Day 52 - Check-in

It's been some crazy couple of days. I'm tired, emotionally spent, my brain cannot process ideas, much less turn them into blog posts.

I'll just say that I have news, but I want to keep you in suspense until I have clearer details.

Workouts are still going. I actually love the insane amounts of leg swings. I love them much more than pull-ups. I f'n hate pull-ups. On the bright side, I ruled chest-dips and paper punches on Tuesday. If this next time goes well with the paper punches, I may reduce my paper size.

So, I paid attention to the kaia this morning. I've been making these noises for sometime now...just came natural. Mine kinda sounds like a hiss, like a shhh but with more of a 'ch' sound. Like, cshh! Perhaps I speak parseltongue?

Day 49 - A Sunday Morning

And, what a beautiful Sunday morning it is! There is a reason why Christianity chose one day of the week for worship, rest and thoughtful relaxation. When I was young and even up until recently, I never appreciated the reasoning behind Sunday as a day of worship. Really, it's not about the worship or the religion. In my view, this is wrong thinking. It's about a time to reenergize and reflect on the surrounding beauty that is life and this Earth. A time to stop and appreciate what we, as humans, have been blessed to be a part of...a grand experiment of the Universe. No matter how this is conceptualized, an experiment purposely created by one God or multiple Gods or a random, transitory coming together of universal components (i.e. the stuff of which ALL things in the universe are composed), we are here, today, and life is good. THAT is why religion allowed for one day a week for worship and reflection. Or, for us, on this KFB path, one day of deliberate mindfulness.

So, here I am, today, delighted to discover that I get one extra hour. It's the end of daylight saving time, so we fall back an hour or gain back the hour that was taken away in spring. I love it. I got out of bed around 8:45, but realized when I looked at my phone, that it was now actually 7:45. A fantastic gift.

Despite the cold pain in my fingers and toes, I'm enjoying my Sunday. I rolled out from under my cozy, electric blanket, made coffee and crawled back under my cozy electric blanket to sit by the window and let the sunshine illuminate the pages of Small Is Beautiful while I leisurely consumed a couple chapters. Finally, I turned off the warmth of the blanket and embraced the chilliness of my house. It was 52 F in my bedroom this morning. I haven't caved and used the space heaters yet.

My breakfast was a hardboiled egg mashed up with avocado, hot sauce and teeny dab of cream cheese smeared over a piece of marble rye, some sweet potatoes and cinnamon on the side and a steaming bowl of milky brown rice farina topped with a few crushed up walnuts and a teaspoon of maple syrup. Oh, and of course hot coffee. I ate it slowly, enjoyed every bite. And, unlike most mornings, I immediately washed my dirty dishes with quiet deliberateness. Enjoyable, peaceful.

Also, I've learned an important life lesson this morning. Never put a glass pyrex pan just out of the oven in luke warm water. It will shatter into hundreds of pieces. Good to know. Honestly, I knew this and if I was being truly mindful, it wouldn't have happened. I've just gotten so used to using metal pans that I forgot to consider the fact that putting hot glass in much cooler water will obviously cause it to contract too quickly and result in breakage. ~sigh~ I'll never make that mistake again. :)

Taking you out with a little Johnny Cash.....enjoy your Sunday folks!

Day 47 - New shoes!

So, when I was doing PCP, I rewarded myself with some halfway presents. On a whim, I decided to reward myself this go 'round....with some new shoes. I've really been wanting some flavor of barefoot shoe to use when I'm working out in my carport, usually on pull-up days, but I don't want to drop $80 or more on a pair of shoes. That's when I stumbled across barefoot women's sports sneakers in PINK. Boo-yah! No, seriously, when I saw these, I felt like the planets had aligned or something. They're cute, got good reviews and the only pair they had my size in was pink. That and they're only $29.95.

While I was at it and since shipping is so damn cheap, I threw in a pair of cotton sole kung fu shoes. Only $9.95, you say? Ok, sure, what the hell? It's finally starting to get chilly in Florida, barefoot isn't so comfortable in my house anymore. I can use these for workouts and as house slippers. WIN!

I'm looking forward to incorporating this new stretch (which I've actually done on my own a few times because it hurts so damn good). Though, did you really have to throw it in on the night that it will dip into the 30's? Tomorrow's outside portion of my workout is going to SUCK. I'm trying to be zen about the whole cold situation. Cold, tense muscles are easy to injure, so to try and reduce the possibility of injury, I'm doing my best to accept the cold and flow with it. Relax and accept, instead of tense up and reject.

It's difficult for me, though. Being skinny is great for Florida summer, but when it starts to get this cold, I wish I had a little more insulation on my body (perhaps why I'm craving so much milk?). Last year in January, we had 2 straight weeks where it dipped into the 20's at night. My house stayed in the 50's for 2 weeks and that was WITH intermittent heat. I could see my breath in my kitchen. I only heat 3 rooms. My bedroom, my living room and my office, and only when I'm using them. This winter I'm going to attempt to be even more hardcore about it. How cold can it get in my house before I give in and use some climate control? We shall see. Tonight will be a test. Actually, I was considering pulling out the heated blanket and giving it a whirl. Perhaps a bit more efficient than space heating my bedroom? Thoughts?

Day 45 - Mood swings

Elections make me grouchy. Ballet makes me happy.

I almost opted out of ballet tonight because I was in such a shitty mood. I was crying at 5 o'clock but decided to do the ballet anyway. I was laughing and smiling by 8. Thanks ballet for making me look like such an awkward fool that I can't help but laugh at myself. Seriously, I do love dancing, but I will continue to look like a fool because she will continue to add new challenges. Funny how that works, huh? KFB is the same way. Just as I start to master one thing and feel a bit of pride in my accomplishments, I get thrown some other challenge that makes me look weak and uncoordinated.

Half-way! Yay!

Day 43 - Day of the Dead & CSA Part deux

Really, I have a lot I want to share tonight, so maybe I'll blog it all out and then take a couple days off from the blogging. Let's start with Day of the Dead party and the aftereffects of my over-the-top consumption extravaganza. Let's just count the entire party as my mindful consumption, and I was extraordinarily mindful of this particular party. In a way, it's like the end of an era. I'm 95% sure that this is the last big party that I'll have out here, and with that in mind, I wanted to be there for as much of it as possible. Being sober -- Ok, fine, I ate some special brownies! I confess, you twisted it out of me! No alcohol, though, so I was pretty sober. Special brownies don't wipe out my memory in quite the same way as too many jello shots -- ANYWAY, being mostly sober, it was easy to be present and awake for my last party. It flew by in a haze of cleaning, decorating, face painting, baking, eating, dancing, dancing, dancing, talking, talking, talking, reminiscing, hugging, sleeping, breakfasting, cleaning. Now, without further ado, I present you with a few pictures.

The altar.

Altar sans flash.

One of the graves from the spooky hookah area. A 15 x 20 foot space surrounded by chain link fence with a little corner overhang where we put chairs and the hookah.

One of my bestest lady friends, Miss Mac, and me lookin' beautiful together.

I threw this one in because I think it's a good picture of me. Probably because the dude next to me looks like such a retard, albeit one of my most favorite retards in the world.

Aw man, it was a really good party y'all. One of those parties where you think it's only 2, but then you look at the clock and realize that its 6AM and the sun's about to rise. I went to bed around 6:30 and got up at 9:30 to start cleaning the kitchen and fixin' breakfast for my crew that crashed/camped at my house. It's a party tradition. I get up, tidy the kitchen and cook home-made sausage gravy and biscuits (the Pillsbury kind) (but the sausage gravy is completely from scratch and A-MA-ZING). I even had fresh sage on hand to add to this batch. OMG, it was so fucking good. So, you can add that to my list of off-diet crap I shoved in my mouth for the party.

So, let's talk about the effects of my sweets binge. It started with brownie baking and licking the brownie off the spoons and out of the bowl and spiraled from there. At one point, I was pushing, shoving and scrambling around on the ground trying to get at all the good candy and flavored lube that dropped from the pinata. My elbow strike practice really came in handy at this point. Hmmm...not sure what happened to my pina colada flavored lube. Damnit! Everytime I went into the kitchen, I grabbed a nibble of the sugar skull cake (lemon/red velvet) and shoved it into my mouth. The skull's flaming, flickering eyes just pulled me in....really, all told, I probably nibbled my way through a normal American sized piece of cake. At one point in the evening, my tummy started to get a little upset, but I just ignored it and kept snacking intermittently on candy. The next day I was a bit headachy, tired, but overall not too bad. I'm sure the lack of sleep has a lot to do with my party hangover, too. I got my fill of candy and cake for quite some time. I've been craving vegetables and lots of them the past couple of days. I've laid off the evening carbs a bit and added extra veggies. At this point, I'm just listening to my body. Ok, so, that's the party.

On to the CSA update. Ok, so, I kind of think I'm in love with my CSA. Not sure how I knew, but I picked exactly the right CSA for me. There are 5 others participating in this UF CSA program, but the guy running this one just fits my personality. I barely know him, but I loved his demeanor and his newsletter. He's a good writer and used this opening opportunity to talk about the importance and necessity of getting back to whole foods, for our health and the health of our world. Good stuff, man, good stuff. I'm going to get in touch with him and set up a visit to the farm. It'll be fun and a good future blog post topic. So, in this week's share, japanese eggplant, zucchini, sweet potato, cute little radishes, green beans, arugula, turnips, sweet peppers, corn. It's a good share of food. I'll plow through it though, esp. since I'm splitting my share. Oh, and sunflowers. Here's the arrangement I put together from my sunflowers.

You know, flower arranging is meditation, too. Perhaps you should start requiring a flower arranging meditation for KFB, Patrick.

Alright, last thing I want to throw at you tonight. Today, I'm feeling stronger and more balanced. Last week, my body felt weak. It was in constant pain, all the exercises felt harder than they had felt the week before. But, today was different. My balance was right on in ballet. AND, my flexibility is markedly improved. In the picture below, look at the pose in the bottom left. I was able to balance on both sides in this pose. My hips weren't open as much as they're supposed to be for it, but they were open more than they've ever been in the past.

I feel like there was a lot of muscle building happening last week. I'm not sure how the body builds flexibility, but however it does it, it was doing it last week. Either that, or I'm relaxing more. Maybe it's a bit of both...at any rate, my stretches were deeper and more satisfying yesterday and today.

Well, I guess I've thrown a lot out there this evening. No blogging until later in the week, for me and for you. I'll leave you with this awesome quote Noah, our CSA farmer, dropped into our newsletter.

Whatever you can do or

dream you can do -

begin it.

Boldness has genius,

power, and magic in it.

Begin it now.

-Goethe