The motivation behind my decision to do this KFB completely sober was, well, fear, or rather, the need to look my fear straight in the eye and see what comes of it. I've only realized this recently, I didn't really realize it when I made the decision. I just jumped into it. Ok, sober, GO! Though, I should go ahead and confess that I had 2 glasses of white wine last Saturday night. I bought some to cook with and decided that it was OK to mindfully enjoy the wine while eating my soup and blogging. The rest of the wine has sat untouched in my fridge and will probably stay there until my Halloween party, at which time I'm sure someone will happily guzzle it. It was good, I enjoyed it, and I don't feel too guilty about it. I did have a little twinge of guilt the next day, but I seem to have let go of it since I only just remembered that I'd drank that wine.
Let's get down to the meat of things. My fear. Really, this doesn't stem so much from alcohol consumption but more from MJ smokage. Alcohol is so common that giving it up really isn't THAT big of a deal. People might be a little weirded out for awhile, but in the end, I won't lose any strong connections by giving up alcohol. Weed on the other hand. Well, it's a sub-culture and it binds me pretty tightly to a few of my friends. In fact, it's a pretty central factor in my relationships with a couple of people who I hold dearest to my heart. My fear is that giving up MJ will be the beginning of the end, and oh god, is that scary, scares me to my core. I know, perhaps you're thinking, "Well, if these people really love you, it shouldn't matter. They should support you." And, you'd be right in thinking that...they do support me and they do love me, but it doesn't matter, our relationships are still drifting apart.
And, it really started when I started to focus inwards on myself, changing my eating habits, my workout habits, my focus in life. It's made me a more pleasant person to be around, but it's reduced the amount of things I have in common with everyone around me. And, at the same time, their lives are changing, too. We just pull further and further apart. The love is still there but the actual time spent together is diminished and will continue dwindling. I think I feel it most acutely because I live alone. I have a lot of time to reflect on it. To watch it happen. To feel it happen because there is no one here to distract me from the pain and the sadness of letting go and moving on.
Let's get a little more detailed with this and talk about the two relationships that are centralized in many respects on getting high together. One of them, I don't worry about too much. I know, in my heart and my entire being, that no matter what this person will love me into infinity and beyond. I don't even need to be near him or talk to him to know that the love is there and that he thinks about me often. We are naturally, inexplicably connected. Though I have stressed about our relationship in the past, I don't anymore. It's the most comfortable and wonderful friendship/love that I've ever experienced.
The other relationship is, well, different. We've been slowly but surely drifting apart, for many reasons. My major worry is that giving up MJ will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I've long been afraid that the only reason this person spends quality time with me is to get high. Without the MJ, why would he come hang with me? We were super close a year ago, and it all centered on partying and getting fucked to hell together. Now that I'm doing neither of those things, well, he's there but not the way he used to be. And, maybe that's partially because I've become more self-sufficient and I don't need his support as much.
Anyway, the point is, all of this change is super scary. I've embraced the change because I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be healthy, awake and aware of my life. In the end, all of these relationships will disappear anyway. When we die, our connections as we know it will be severed, we'll be disbursed and recycled into some other form of energy. I don't expect to be aware of this life and what transpired during it, but then, who knows really? So, considering I don't know anything about the future, I want to try to let go of that fear of the future that paralyzes me right now, and perhaps enjoy my relationships more for what they are instead of worrying about what they aren't and what they won't be in the future. And, I really think that I'm better able to do this with a clear, sober, focused mind.
Jenny, I love your honesty. And, I can relate. It's really, really hard to watch an important relationship shift and change into something else. Seems I'm going through something similar in my life - a friendship that was apparently helped along by mutual partying habits, now shifting into something different. Not better or worse, just different - at least, that's what I tell myself most days. But the hard truth is that some closeness has been lost, and I'm not sure how to get that back. I suspect that we partied together partly because we had a hard time being totally honest with each other - and now the lack of partying has brought that difficulty to light. What now? What's next? I don't know. I guess I just try to sit with it as much as I can tolerate.
ReplyDeleteSo, from one person who's spent some time being paralyzed by fear to another...big virtual *hug*!
Thanks, Sarah. Helps to know someone else is feeling the same. :)
ReplyDeleteThink of all the friends you gain....
ReplyDeleteBeing sober and straight edge my entire life, I will not even belittle your situation by pretending I have any idea what it must be like. All I can say is: it IS possible to have amazingly meaningful relationships based on things other than chemicals. They might be different than the relationships you have now. That might in fact suck alot. (Sounds like it already does.) But you have made decisions to change your life, of which some people will supportive, and others will not.
ReplyDeleteYou can always change BACK, but you now know the network effect; small changes in diet, or exercise, or chemical use, will make changes in other places, like sleep, and energy, and relationships.
At least now you know in general what happens when you pull certain levers and can expect some given results. Just try to remember ALL the factors affecting your decisions to do or not do certain things, and even though the relationships part hurts and sucks and is scary, it IS balanced by the awesomeness of being strong, agile, ripped, and confident...
And when you are doing your daily zazen, let ALL the thoughts come up, good and bad, positive and negative. Don't dwell on any of them, nor in the past nor the future. Let it all sink into your brain, and you will naturally make the right decisions, whatever those may be.
And don't ever, EVER let anyone judge you or second-guess your decisions. No one is you, no one can ever REALLY know what it is like to be you. Think, have confidence, weigh the options, then ACT and deal with the consequences.
That is life; not the achievement or establishment of goals, nor the holding in stasis of relationships or situations or experiences, but the daily left foot-right foot plodding towards new and different.
So FTSP and get to it!