Final Post - In Love

First off, let me apologize for taking so long to get this final post pulled together. Let's just say that the Holidays are a most challenging time for finishing a hard-core project such as KFB. No excuses, though. I chose it; I must follow through.

I am in love with my body. I love the way it looks now. I love the way it feels as I move through space. I love the way my body burns through Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I love the way my body bounces back from a knock-down, drag-out flu. I love how it plies and pirouettes and jump kicks and puffs candles out (once in awhile). I love how my body is nowhere near its peak and everyday of practice brings triumphant accomplishments and frustrating challenges. I love it, totally and completely. Thank you to the creators of PCP and KFB for bringing me to a wonderful, fresh understanding of my physicality.

Now, let's break it down to some specifics, starting with the benchmarks. Jump Height. Honestly, my jump height didn't improve all that much. Maybe I added an extra half inch? Not much more. After all the floor jumps, pistol squats and creeps during PCP, I already had some killer leg muscles. Perhaps I should add some extra leg exercises to my workouts once in awhile and see if it carries me higher. Ball punches went from 26 to 72. I'd say that's some improvement. Morning forward bend from touching toes to touching the floor, hands not flat on the floor but halfway flat. Nice. My flexibility makes me happy, and it can only get better.

Pictures. This montage is a post-PCP picture on the left and a post-KFB picture on the right. I apologize for not brushing my hair for the KFB pic but really are you interested in my hair?

The differences are subtle. Legs are bigger. Some of that may be high calorie holiday dishes, hard to say really. The biggest difference is in my core, especially my external obliques. Those babies are impressive.

The strength packed into that core blows my mind. No, I cannot do 10 full kung fu sit-ups in a row (toes touching bar) but I can do 2 with my toes ALMOST touching the bar. That is a far cry from barely pulling them to a 90 degree angle in my first attempt at a kung fu sit-up. I can now do 4-5 pull-ups in a row, up from the 1-2 that I could do when I finished PCP. Jumping rope. I'm a pro. Criss-crosses, I got 'em, multiples in a row. Double jumps are easy. Jumping on one foot, doing the Rocky, give me a jumprope trick, I'll make it happen.

So, those are the stats. Now for my feelings. Actually, I want to do some comparison with PCP. My experience of each program was completely different. KFB was a fairly solitary journey for me, whereas PCP was a group adventure. I chose not to share my KFB blog with the Facebook world or even with many of my friends. Also, the support was just not as enthusiastic or as constant as during PCP. I know this has a lot to do with timing, with group dynamics, etc. but I wonder if KFB is just bound to be more isolating. Because of this, I almost think that PCP should be a prerequisite to KFB. I'm not sure that I would've been as successful without my first COMPLETE stamp.

I was less disciplined with my diet on KFB. I wasn't super lenient, but I was more forgiving of special occasions. Coming off of PCP, I knew the diet. I was prepared. I didn't think twice about my veggies for breakfast or refraining from salt. No sugar in my coffee. No problem. No desserts in the house. Done. Limited cheese. Fine. No fried foods. Easy enough. And, most importantly, lots of lean meats, fresh veggies and fruits. These things were easy because I already had my system from PCP in place. I didn't need to think twice. So, whereas I think PCP turned my world upside-down, I think KFB was the one stabilizing factor in a life that's gone hectic, topsy-turvy in the last couple of months. The times they are a-changin', but I'm still jumping rope and meditating everyday. I need some constants in the face of a completely blank slate future.

I adored the KFB workouts. I still adore them. I've done two maintenance workouts and plan on trying to intersperse some workouts from the PCP maintenance plan. Mostly for a little diversity and to target some other muscles. I'll continue to work with ballet and plan on focusing more intensely on yoga while in Africa. I'll have enough time to do 2 workouts a day if I so desire. Cardio/strength in the morning. Stretching/flexibility work in the evening. It'll be awesome!

So, with that, let me just say thank you to my team for having my back. No matter how far along you made it in the journey or how challenging it was to stick with KFB, I know you all grew from this experience as much as me. Also, thanks to those who followed my blog, the commenters and the lurkers. And, of course, thanks to Patrick. I won't prolong the thank you, because I think you know how much I appreciate you. At this point, I consider you a long lost friend who's finally reentered my circle. Here's a gift for you. The metro-Atlanta area covered in Christmas snow.

This White Christmas was a gift from the Universe, a reminder of why life is so precious. The snow started to fall only 5 minutes into my 4-mile Christmas day run. At the end of my run, I was rewarded with a solitary moment at the edge of a magical field, a place that fills my childhood memories. I stood quiet, listening carefully as each gentle snowflake embraced the dry, brittle leaves leftover from Autumn's massacre. Life is truly breath-taking.

So, I've been waiting for this moment since I started KFB. Without further ado,

And, I will kick your ass in my zebra skivvies!

Day 90XXX - Complete

For those of you still tuning in.... Done. Done. and Done. It took me about 20 minutes to get a no miss on those 3 ping pong balls. Who knew that one day I would think of ping pong balls as my arch nemesis. Wrap-up to come in a couple days with pictures and deep thoughts and all that jazz.

Day 90X - I'm back!

Ok, fever gone, cough subsiding, snot not as intense. My body is 80% better. A monumental come-back, which says a lot for the health of my body on KFB. Dude, I was sooooo sick. On Saturday, I was still running a slight fever and was RAVENOUS. I ate and ate, drank tons of broth, and the slightest activity wore me out completely. I did motivate enough to go see Black Swan, which was exhausting in itself, also exquisitely exhilarating and erotic. A must see for any fans of Aronofsky, Natalie Portman or ballet.

So, I was feeling much better last night and did a half hour stretching session then went to bed early. I'm starting where I left off on the program (cutting sets in half temporarily while my body continues to heal) this morning and should finish up on Wednesday with a wrap-up final post on Thursday or Friday. Patrick instructed me to "git 'er done!" Ok, ok, Patrick, did not say that EXACTLY, but something like it. So, per his instruction, I will finish as quick as possible. I'm only a few days behind. Hopefully, my 3 days of flu didn't diminish my strength too much. I want that COMPLETE and I'm not stopping till I get it. I've come too far to slide now.

Congrats to my teammate, Renfield!! He looks and sounds amazing!

Day 89B - Still sick

Fever up to 102 now. ~sigh~ Well, obviously, I'm not going to be doing any working out until my fever breaks and then I'll have to start back slow and work into it. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep this morning as I'd promised a friend that I'd take him to get his bottom wisdom teeth out, sit and drive him home. 4 hours later, I'm finally relaxing on my couch. I have some turkey broth (from the Thanksgiving turkey) heating up on the stove. I'll supplement with some sweet potatoes and citrus. Basically, I'm just going to eat what I crave and what I'm craving right now is good but bland food. No fat, no sugar. Just straight up vitamins and proteins. Lucky for me I cooked up a big batch of pumpkin soup last night and I have loads of turkey stock. I'm good to go.

Send me healing vibes, people. My body is pain, total and complete pain. If my fever reaches 103, I will break down and take ibuprofen but until then, I'm covering up and sweating it out. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, catch up on Fringe, sleep.

PS My dreaded goodbye has come and passed. There's some pain in my heart lingering from that as well. All is ouch.

Day 89 - Sick

101 F fever. Suck.

Day 87 - Ballet

That's my ballet teacher in that picture, Carla. Beautiful, yes? Ballet is all over the place right now. It's nutcracker season; Black Swan is in theaters; and a new book on ballet, Apollo's Angels, is getting rave reviews, so I thought I'd share this NPR article with you, The Tutu's Tale. Quick, easy read. I love that ballet is getting so much respect, because until I started to train, I never understood the accomplishments of professional ballerinas. I will continue to train in the basics while I'm in Africa, but I'll miss my formal class. Even though I'm still the most novice in class, everyone really tries to help me understand. They're patient with me, and I think I've at least earned their respect by sticking with it.

Day 83 - Yard sales & goodbyes

~sigh~

Yes, that's how I'm starting this post, with a sigh. KFB is taking a backseat to life right now. I skipped my workout yesterday and drank WAY too much last night (which really isn't much compared to my past, but still too much). I woke up this morning, sad, with a slight headache and thinking to myself, "Oh yeah, this is why I've made those seemingly hard but healthy choices over the last few months. I hate this feeling." My body doesn't like skipping workouts; it enjoys the activity, the stretching.

Let's back up. The reasons for yesterday's decisions. One. I had a yard sale. I woke up early, and with the help of a kind friend, spent the morning moving furniture and stuff into my yard, then spent most of the day working it. Then, moved all the stuff that didn't sell into the carport and helped my new roommate move some of his stuff into the house. It was a busy day. And, last night was the very last concert of some close Gaineville friends (or should I call them family, that's what they really are). I'm not the only one moving on from Gainesville. 2 of the 3 band members are leaving...one to DC and the other to Hawaii. Tonight will be a goodbye party for the first ones to go. Hence the drinking too much last night.

It's all so heart-rending and final. All of it. The yard sale, the last concert, the good-bye party. Other final things, my gecko and my fish are gone. I've found good homes for them. My house is slowly emptying of the things that I identify as part of me, MY leopard gecko, MY aquarium, MY bookshelves, MY ficus tree, MY scales, MY books, MY CDs, MY, MY, MY STUFF. Symbolic and strange and scary.

This week, a best friend will fly home to South Africa for Christmas and his sister's wedding and won't return to the States until the day I start my journey to southern Africa. Symbolic and strange and scary. I'm dreading this moment, this good-bye with this person. Odd that its the first true good-bye. All I can do is just try to focus on the present moments and appreciate each one for their beauty, let myself grieve and move on. This is life, true and real.

And, so, with that thought, I will move through my day. I'll do my workout from yesterday and just finish out a day behind. No big deal. I'll eat healthful, good food today and nourish my body for the stress to come. I recommit to watching my intake of intoxicants so that I can enjoy all the moments of my life fully. Don't get me wrong. Last night was fun but it's a rarity, not the norm. I'm still here; I'm still plugging along; I'm scared but open and ready to face what's to come.

Day 80 - Defeat

Ping pong balls - 5

Jenny - 0

Day 78 - Ah, cruel, frigid Universe!

Get this. So, tonight is going to be the coldest night of the season thus far. Deep, hard freeze. Low of 24, ice crystals are already forming in the grass. About a half hour ago, I was sitting in my living room, toasty and cozy in front of my gas heater. It sputters, softly at first then more loudly, and poof, it goes out. That's ok, I had the back up tank filled up last time this happened. I'm a responsible human being. I go to switch the tank, only to find both of them open. Huh. Okay, but I still flip the switch to the tank input and cross my fingers.

I hit the button to light the pilot light, it lights a weak little flame that isn't sufficient to even start the heater. So, I go back outside, flip the switch. Come back in. Same deal. A sad excuse for a pilot light and no heat. Apparently, I have two empty tanks of gas. Where is the back-up tank I ordered in 2009? I suspect the folks that came to change the tanks last time replaced the full tank with a full tank and left me the empty. I see no other explanation and am wondering how I'm going to prove this to the gas company, seeing as all this went down 18 months ago.

I'm now sitting in my living room with a chilly nose, frozen fingers and aching toes, wondering why God's sense of humor is so cruel. Really, God, REALLY?!?

Don't worry, I won't die, I have space heaters and an electric blanket. They'll suffice until I get my fabulously efficient gas heater back, but they just aren't the same. :(

I can't help wondering if this is some sort of test. I've spent the day in a great mood. I was productive this weekend; I came home to a clean house; things were calm. Then, poof! No heat. The Universe knows, doesn't it?

Day 76 - Weight Gain

Currently, I weigh almost as much as I did when I started the Peak Condition Project, but my weight is distributed differently. My pre-PCP jeans are still too big and my post-PCP jeans fit just right. I'm fairly positive that I've put some fat back on, especially with my multiple Thanksgivings, but I'm comfortable with it. It's winter, it's cold, a little cushioning is acceptable and fills my jeans out beautifully. :)

That said, it isn't all fat. I've gained a lot of muscle. Those leg swings changed my torso completely. I've got these great big muscles just above my hip bones now. I like them. When I'm warmed up I can throw down some outside/inside crescents. Tonight's workout felt great. Though, I did find that after wearing my arms out with pull-ups, tricep dips and kung-fu sit-ups, I was not nearly as effective at putting out candle flames. Frustrating! The other morning I snuffed the candle a good 20 times. Today, once.

Day 74 - Whoosh!

This morning, I extinguished a candle with my teeny fists of fury.

Day 73 - Mood swings continued

I wanted to say that I was stabilizing but no, Monday and Tuesday were terrible mental health days. I jotted some notes through my tears yesterday morning. Let me see if I can distill something tangible out of them.

It started when I was told by my best dude friend that I would not be allowed to visit him in Tampa this coming weekend because his girlfriend would be out of town. She doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. The history behind that...he's my ex-boyfriend. We broke up, became best friends. It works better this way, but you can see how that would seem strange and complicated for a current girlfriend. As for me, well, I have odd ideas about how the world works (yes, I am truly acknowledging that they are odd). I find it absurd that she doesn't trust us to behave ourselves properly whilst she's away. Long story short...this triggered intense emotion. If I weren't leaving for Africa in 10 weeks, I believe I would have shrugged it off and said, ok, fine, another weekend, no big deal, but not going down this weekend likely means not going down at all. I'll miss seeing the new house they just bought and won't get to hang in tampa one last time. This made me sad. One friend suggested that it caused such an intense mourning-like reaction because it's a tangible beginning to the goodbyes that will be scattered through the coming weeks, none of which are going to be easy.

I attributed it to other things. My need for love and acceptance, for one. It hurts to feel not trusted and it hurts to be told that I can't hang with a best friend because of our history and someone else's insecurities. The thing is, I don't really blame her. There was a time when I would have felt exactly the same way. The incident is, also, a stark reminder that I am no one's top priority, or at least it feels that way. And, sometimes, I even wonder if I'm MY OWN top priority. For a short moment there, I just felt my spirit was broken...I cried through my workout, all out laid on the ground and balled as I did V-sits, but I did them. I did the whole damn workout out tears and all. In some ways, I feel my routine is the only thing keeping me afloat and focused during these episodes. In another lifetime (well, really only a year ago), I would have crawled under my covers and cried and cried and cried and not eaten and cried some more and then maybe I would've motivated just enough to get to work. At least now, I'm crying but staying centered as much as possible on the task at hand.

Then, it got me to thinking that there is a reason why monks and nuns and those doing serious inner work retreat to a place with stringent routines and hard-core stability. Change and instability in outside life add up to a complicated, rather unstable inner life. And, so, as I've discussed multiple times, I am about to change my life in about the most complete way possible. I think, at this point, I just need to accept that the next few months will be intensely emotional and that I will have bad days. All I can do is stay with my meditation and do my best to remember why I'm doing this and what is positive about it. Yes, it's stressful, but it's stressful in a good way. Maybe I can shift my attitude a bit and enjoy selling my stuff and making myself lighter in this world. Or, really appreciate the deepness of the emotional experiences I will share with my friends as I bid farewell, because the only reason these moments are going to be so difficult is because I've forged deep, unshakable connections with these people. And, this makes me feel blessed and fortunate. These beautiful people are a fixture in my forever family, and that is something to celebrate.

Today, I'm better, happier, more content. I sold a couple pieces of furniture, made a little cash and came up with a plan for storage of the few pieces of furniture I'll keep. A few check marks on my massive mental to do list. Other goodness, my ballet class was wonderful tonight. I've made amazing progress. My KFB work is really starting to show. I'd never be as far in ballet if I wasn't doing KFB at the same time. My front leg swings are HIGH now. I almost feel like they're at about 160. I'm considering filming them to get a good look, perhaps I only think they're that high. The point is, my flexibility is off the charts in comparison to a couple months ago. Meaning that, I'm nowhere near where I'd ideally love to be, but I am sooooooo much closer than I ever dreamed possible.

On a side note, holiday sweets are being thrown at me from every angle...I pop around a corner and some smiling face is walking toward me with a looming box of sprinkle covered sugar cookies. Oh, how I LOVE sugar cookies! Or, I look up from my desk to see two co-workers excitedly offering me a tantalizing slice of pumpkin pie. Grrrrr...and, always it would be an insult to not take the cookie or the pie. My strategy...take a bite or two, put sweet down to continue working, co-workers leave, wrap sweet discreetly in napkin and deposit in gigantic, anonymous trash can. I get to taste the wonderfulness of the sweet treat but avoid most of the negative side effects. I'd say that's a fair compromise.

PS The low tomorrow night is supposed to be 26. My bones ache in anticipation.

Day 71 - Squid

A post inspired by Ren.

I've been feeling uninspired to write lately, so I thought some picture of tonight's dinner would suffice. Scallops and squid with steamed bok choy, radishes and turnips. Pumpkin is still in the oven.

Also, I'm feeling sad tonight because the world in my head does not match the world around me. Yes, I know, duh, but it's making me especially sad this evening. Cyberhugs are welcomed.

Day 67 - Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm in Atlanta, visiting the family, doing my best to eat correctly and keep up with my workouts. Workouts so far, so good. Eating, well, let's just say I have a beautiful whitehead displaying my Thanksgiving downfall to the entire world. I ate a gigantic salad with raw veggies last night for dinner with a bit of pork, sauerkraut and mashed potatoes on the side. I craved the salad and could not finish my pork dish. Today, I have Thanksgiving at my Mom's house. It never, ever ends. I just have to do my best and suffer the consequences. ~sigh~

Last night, my brother told me I'd never be able to defend myself with Kung Fu. This in response to my thoughts that if I were to stay in Gainesville I would join the local dojo and study with a dude that teaches Kung Fu there. Desmond Jackson's his name. I've been told by friends familiar with the dojo that he's badass. Anyway, I wasn't really sure how to respond to my brother other than to say, ummmm...ok. What does that even have to do with my desire to want to continue studying what I've started learning the basics in over the past couple months? I've never even considered the program a self-defense program, but if it did indeed help me defend myself, it'd be a nice side effect. Ah, family.

My mental state seems to have balanced out. I'm finally starting to absorb my imminent departure from the States and am able to focus on what needs to be done piece by piece. Everything will be better than fine if I just keep myself grounded, focused and sober.

Day 64 - Nervous breakdown?

I feel like I am damn near close to one. The emotion, the stress, I can feel it weighing down my body and controlling my mind. So much to do, so little time to do it. I'm to the point where I want to take it all, throw it in a big pile and light a fucking match. What do I need with all this stuff, all these memories piled into drawers, stuck into boxes, why do we weigh ourselves down with all this crap?

Day 62 - Friendsgiving

In contrast to Ren's onsen dinner, I ate a gigantic, traditional potluck style Thanksgiving with my friends, fondly know as Friendsgiving. On this day, I'd already accepted that my diet would be out the window. Friendgiving is special to me, and it will be my last one here in Gainesville. I even allowed drinking for the day. I ate so much that my stomach HURT! Hurt so good....my friends can cook. I mean, holy crap, it was a true smorgasbord of gourmet Thanksgiving deliciousness. It was all very rich, but nothing was packaged or processed foods. All scratch.

I cooked the turkey. My first turkey. Turned out great! Mixing suggestions from friends, family and Alton Brown, I brined it overnight and then poured steaming white wine mixed with apple, onion, cinnamon stick, rosemary & sage into the cavity before tossing it in the oven. Only took 2 1/2 hours and the meat was near perfect. Not quite as juicy as I would have liked but the homemade gravy I made with the turkey drippings covered that up well. I also made a wild rice stuffing with the drippings, added mushrooms, onion, celery and dried cranberries. My food was fatty but it was food. And, it was good. The turkey was ravaged, gravy demolished and stuffing finished during intermission between Harry Potter 5 & 6.

So, food-wise, I'm not going to lie. The last third of this KFB is going to be a challenge. It's the beginning of the eating season (as my father said this morning) and bonding in this way is a large part of my traditional upbringing. My goals are to limit eating out and to be strict with myself when it's just me. This should give me some breathing room for the days where I'll be expected to eat large amounts of rich foods. However, considering that I'll be moving to another continent for over 2 years, I want to really be a part of these events.

Friendsgiving was important to me in that it was chance for me to get all my Gainesville family in one place and really enjoy them. Soon, people will start scattering for the holidays, some won't be back before I leave town. In the next few weeks, I'm going to have to start saying my good-byes. One by one. This is the heart-wrenching part of moving on to new adventures, closing down the old ones. This family I've created here in Gainesville is deeply embedded in who I am as a person. Though there is something comforting about that statement, if they are so much a part of me then they will always be with me. I only need think of them and the security of their love will blanket me. Still, there IS something finite about hugging someone you love and not knowing when you will feel the tightness of their arms again. At least, you were fortunate enough to rest in their embrace for even a short amount of time.

Day 60 - Comic relief

How not to do Kung Fu....

Bwaahahaha!!! Gets me everytime.

Day 59 - Stress

I am stressed, extra stressed. I know because I've developed an eye twitch. Last time my eye twitched like this was the month leading up to and the duration of my qualification exams. The twitch is also linked to lack of sleep, of which I did not get enough of last night. As a consequence, my day's been a wreck. I'm grouchy and constantly on the verge of tears. I didn't do my entire workout this morning, just jumping and 8MA. I'm taking the night off from ballet and must decide if I want to finish the workout today or slide into a hot bath when I get home and just relax. I haven't skipped a workout yet and probably won't tonight, but I'm tempted.

There's a lot rattling around in my head right now, and it didn't help to call my my mom this morning. I thought maybe I should tell her my country assignment, but as always, the response was, well, lacking enthusiasm. "Oh, ok, is that good?" "Ummm...yeah, it's the region I want to work in." "Ok, well, that's nice, honey." Then, she launches into a list of all the things that are wrong in her life. Her dog's sick. She's sick with a million different ailments, the lastest of which is due entirely to her weight. I almost wish she'd kept it to herself. It does no good to tell her what to eat to lose weight because there's always an excuse. "Well, the guys (her husband and brother) won't eat that food." Ok, well, cook something separate for yourself. "I don't have time for that..." And, the next part is all in my head, "WHAT?!?! You're at home ALL DAY!!! You don't work! And, you're telling me that you don't have time to cook a healthy meal for yourself?!? That's a load of bullshit!" ARGH!!!!! I hate it. I hate watching her do this to herself. And, I hate feeling the way I feel about my mom right now because it makes me feel like a bad daughter. This sucks.

Ok, thanks for letting me blog it out. I've been spilling this on any friend willing or unwilling to listen today. Each time I offload, I feel a tad bit better.

Zambia! 2011! Yay!

Day 57 - Tao Teh Ching

I have a pocket sized Tao Teh Ching that I carry in my purse. Every now and then, I pull it out and randomly flip to a passage or two and read. A grab bag of wisdom, if you will....

Here's what the grab bag offered up today.

By not exalting the talented you will cause the people to cease from rivalry and contention.

By not prizing goods hard to get, you will cause the people to cease from robbing and stealing.

By not displaying what is desirable, you will not cause the people's hearts to remain undisturbed.

Therefore, the Sage's way begins by

Emptying the heart of desires,

Filling the belly with food,

Weakening the ambitions,

Toughening the bones.

In this way he will cause the people to remain without knowledge and without desire, and prevent the knowing ones from any ado.

Practice Non-Ado, and everything will be in order.

Whoa. Way wise. Next.

He who knows does not speak.

He who speaks does not know.

Block all the passages!

Shut all the doors!

Blunt all the edges!

Untie all tangles!

Harmonize all lights!

Unite the world into one whole!

This is called the Mystical Whole,

Which you cannot court after nor shun,

Benefit nor harm, honour nor humble.

Therefore, it is the Highest of the world.

Both of these spoke to a couple my deepest weaknesses. Pride/vanity and love of gossip. Traits I've been working to control over the past couple months. Not easy. Hell, it's easier to stay away from chocolate than to control bad emotional habits. I'd go into more detail, but my eyes are starting to shut. It's bedtime. My body is telling me so.

How about I take you out with my big news? :) I've been invited to serve with Peace Corps Zambia as a forestry extension agent. I leave February 14, Valentine's Day. Holy shit, things are happening....

Day 55 - Junk Food

This evening, I passed the McDonald's where I bought a portion of PCP Indulgence #2 and took the moment to reflect on my eating patterns over the last 6 months. Yes, people, that's right, it's been 6 months since I started the PCP/KFB journey.

Here's what I realized. I've only eaten fast food twice in those 6 months. TWICE! I used to eat fast food at least once weekly. Mostly, McDonald's McGriddles or cheeseburgers to sooth a horrific hangover from the night before's party binge. On that note, hangovers are a thing of the past, though I still remember their pain acutely. Other accomplishments, I haven't eaten a Cheez-it, Dorito or Cheeto for 6 months. NOT ONE! Not even a nibble of one. I've had small amounts of tortilla chips, kettle chips and a few SunChips. I mean, this is a revolutionary change in me. I used to keep that junk on hand and snack on it constantly. I could down a half a box of Cheez-its in one sitting, especially if stoned.

The crazy thing, I don't miss it. Not one bit. I only want the junk if it's in my face. Once in a while, I resent having to cook and clean up constantly, but when I think about it, I enjoy cooking, especially when it's leisurely cooking. I'm a good cook. I love my own food. Why pay someone else to cook for me?

Right now, I have a chicken roasting in the oven. Not sure yet what I want to do with the meat, but the carcass will be boiled for stock to make a winter minestrone, a recipe that came with my last CSA newsletter. For dinner tonight, I'm eating tofu marinated and cooked in a light garlic, ginger peanut sauce. It's got a bit of a kick from some dried peppers and will go well with various steamed & roasted veggies through the beginning of the week.

I eat freakin' GOOD, and as a result, when I do eat poorly, my body bounces back quickly.

Day 52 - Check-in

It's been some crazy couple of days. I'm tired, emotionally spent, my brain cannot process ideas, much less turn them into blog posts.

I'll just say that I have news, but I want to keep you in suspense until I have clearer details.

Workouts are still going. I actually love the insane amounts of leg swings. I love them much more than pull-ups. I f'n hate pull-ups. On the bright side, I ruled chest-dips and paper punches on Tuesday. If this next time goes well with the paper punches, I may reduce my paper size.

So, I paid attention to the kaia this morning. I've been making these noises for sometime now...just came natural. Mine kinda sounds like a hiss, like a shhh but with more of a 'ch' sound. Like, cshh! Perhaps I speak parseltongue?

Day 49 - A Sunday Morning

And, what a beautiful Sunday morning it is! There is a reason why Christianity chose one day of the week for worship, rest and thoughtful relaxation. When I was young and even up until recently, I never appreciated the reasoning behind Sunday as a day of worship. Really, it's not about the worship or the religion. In my view, this is wrong thinking. It's about a time to reenergize and reflect on the surrounding beauty that is life and this Earth. A time to stop and appreciate what we, as humans, have been blessed to be a part of...a grand experiment of the Universe. No matter how this is conceptualized, an experiment purposely created by one God or multiple Gods or a random, transitory coming together of universal components (i.e. the stuff of which ALL things in the universe are composed), we are here, today, and life is good. THAT is why religion allowed for one day a week for worship and reflection. Or, for us, on this KFB path, one day of deliberate mindfulness.

So, here I am, today, delighted to discover that I get one extra hour. It's the end of daylight saving time, so we fall back an hour or gain back the hour that was taken away in spring. I love it. I got out of bed around 8:45, but realized when I looked at my phone, that it was now actually 7:45. A fantastic gift.

Despite the cold pain in my fingers and toes, I'm enjoying my Sunday. I rolled out from under my cozy, electric blanket, made coffee and crawled back under my cozy electric blanket to sit by the window and let the sunshine illuminate the pages of Small Is Beautiful while I leisurely consumed a couple chapters. Finally, I turned off the warmth of the blanket and embraced the chilliness of my house. It was 52 F in my bedroom this morning. I haven't caved and used the space heaters yet.

My breakfast was a hardboiled egg mashed up with avocado, hot sauce and teeny dab of cream cheese smeared over a piece of marble rye, some sweet potatoes and cinnamon on the side and a steaming bowl of milky brown rice farina topped with a few crushed up walnuts and a teaspoon of maple syrup. Oh, and of course hot coffee. I ate it slowly, enjoyed every bite. And, unlike most mornings, I immediately washed my dirty dishes with quiet deliberateness. Enjoyable, peaceful.

Also, I've learned an important life lesson this morning. Never put a glass pyrex pan just out of the oven in luke warm water. It will shatter into hundreds of pieces. Good to know. Honestly, I knew this and if I was being truly mindful, it wouldn't have happened. I've just gotten so used to using metal pans that I forgot to consider the fact that putting hot glass in much cooler water will obviously cause it to contract too quickly and result in breakage. ~sigh~ I'll never make that mistake again. :)

Taking you out with a little Johnny Cash.....enjoy your Sunday folks!

Day 47 - New shoes!

So, when I was doing PCP, I rewarded myself with some halfway presents. On a whim, I decided to reward myself this go 'round....with some new shoes. I've really been wanting some flavor of barefoot shoe to use when I'm working out in my carport, usually on pull-up days, but I don't want to drop $80 or more on a pair of shoes. That's when I stumbled across barefoot women's sports sneakers in PINK. Boo-yah! No, seriously, when I saw these, I felt like the planets had aligned or something. They're cute, got good reviews and the only pair they had my size in was pink. That and they're only $29.95.

While I was at it and since shipping is so damn cheap, I threw in a pair of cotton sole kung fu shoes. Only $9.95, you say? Ok, sure, what the hell? It's finally starting to get chilly in Florida, barefoot isn't so comfortable in my house anymore. I can use these for workouts and as house slippers. WIN!

I'm looking forward to incorporating this new stretch (which I've actually done on my own a few times because it hurts so damn good). Though, did you really have to throw it in on the night that it will dip into the 30's? Tomorrow's outside portion of my workout is going to SUCK. I'm trying to be zen about the whole cold situation. Cold, tense muscles are easy to injure, so to try and reduce the possibility of injury, I'm doing my best to accept the cold and flow with it. Relax and accept, instead of tense up and reject.

It's difficult for me, though. Being skinny is great for Florida summer, but when it starts to get this cold, I wish I had a little more insulation on my body (perhaps why I'm craving so much milk?). Last year in January, we had 2 straight weeks where it dipped into the 20's at night. My house stayed in the 50's for 2 weeks and that was WITH intermittent heat. I could see my breath in my kitchen. I only heat 3 rooms. My bedroom, my living room and my office, and only when I'm using them. This winter I'm going to attempt to be even more hardcore about it. How cold can it get in my house before I give in and use some climate control? We shall see. Tonight will be a test. Actually, I was considering pulling out the heated blanket and giving it a whirl. Perhaps a bit more efficient than space heating my bedroom? Thoughts?

Day 45 - Mood swings

Elections make me grouchy. Ballet makes me happy.

I almost opted out of ballet tonight because I was in such a shitty mood. I was crying at 5 o'clock but decided to do the ballet anyway. I was laughing and smiling by 8. Thanks ballet for making me look like such an awkward fool that I can't help but laugh at myself. Seriously, I do love dancing, but I will continue to look like a fool because she will continue to add new challenges. Funny how that works, huh? KFB is the same way. Just as I start to master one thing and feel a bit of pride in my accomplishments, I get thrown some other challenge that makes me look weak and uncoordinated.

Half-way! Yay!

Day 43 - Day of the Dead & CSA Part deux

Really, I have a lot I want to share tonight, so maybe I'll blog it all out and then take a couple days off from the blogging. Let's start with Day of the Dead party and the aftereffects of my over-the-top consumption extravaganza. Let's just count the entire party as my mindful consumption, and I was extraordinarily mindful of this particular party. In a way, it's like the end of an era. I'm 95% sure that this is the last big party that I'll have out here, and with that in mind, I wanted to be there for as much of it as possible. Being sober -- Ok, fine, I ate some special brownies! I confess, you twisted it out of me! No alcohol, though, so I was pretty sober. Special brownies don't wipe out my memory in quite the same way as too many jello shots -- ANYWAY, being mostly sober, it was easy to be present and awake for my last party. It flew by in a haze of cleaning, decorating, face painting, baking, eating, dancing, dancing, dancing, talking, talking, talking, reminiscing, hugging, sleeping, breakfasting, cleaning. Now, without further ado, I present you with a few pictures.

The altar.

Altar sans flash.

One of the graves from the spooky hookah area. A 15 x 20 foot space surrounded by chain link fence with a little corner overhang where we put chairs and the hookah.

One of my bestest lady friends, Miss Mac, and me lookin' beautiful together.

I threw this one in because I think it's a good picture of me. Probably because the dude next to me looks like such a retard, albeit one of my most favorite retards in the world.

Aw man, it was a really good party y'all. One of those parties where you think it's only 2, but then you look at the clock and realize that its 6AM and the sun's about to rise. I went to bed around 6:30 and got up at 9:30 to start cleaning the kitchen and fixin' breakfast for my crew that crashed/camped at my house. It's a party tradition. I get up, tidy the kitchen and cook home-made sausage gravy and biscuits (the Pillsbury kind) (but the sausage gravy is completely from scratch and A-MA-ZING). I even had fresh sage on hand to add to this batch. OMG, it was so fucking good. So, you can add that to my list of off-diet crap I shoved in my mouth for the party.

So, let's talk about the effects of my sweets binge. It started with brownie baking and licking the brownie off the spoons and out of the bowl and spiraled from there. At one point, I was pushing, shoving and scrambling around on the ground trying to get at all the good candy and flavored lube that dropped from the pinata. My elbow strike practice really came in handy at this point. Hmmm...not sure what happened to my pina colada flavored lube. Damnit! Everytime I went into the kitchen, I grabbed a nibble of the sugar skull cake (lemon/red velvet) and shoved it into my mouth. The skull's flaming, flickering eyes just pulled me in....really, all told, I probably nibbled my way through a normal American sized piece of cake. At one point in the evening, my tummy started to get a little upset, but I just ignored it and kept snacking intermittently on candy. The next day I was a bit headachy, tired, but overall not too bad. I'm sure the lack of sleep has a lot to do with my party hangover, too. I got my fill of candy and cake for quite some time. I've been craving vegetables and lots of them the past couple of days. I've laid off the evening carbs a bit and added extra veggies. At this point, I'm just listening to my body. Ok, so, that's the party.

On to the CSA update. Ok, so, I kind of think I'm in love with my CSA. Not sure how I knew, but I picked exactly the right CSA for me. There are 5 others participating in this UF CSA program, but the guy running this one just fits my personality. I barely know him, but I loved his demeanor and his newsletter. He's a good writer and used this opening opportunity to talk about the importance and necessity of getting back to whole foods, for our health and the health of our world. Good stuff, man, good stuff. I'm going to get in touch with him and set up a visit to the farm. It'll be fun and a good future blog post topic. So, in this week's share, japanese eggplant, zucchini, sweet potato, cute little radishes, green beans, arugula, turnips, sweet peppers, corn. It's a good share of food. I'll plow through it though, esp. since I'm splitting my share. Oh, and sunflowers. Here's the arrangement I put together from my sunflowers.

You know, flower arranging is meditation, too. Perhaps you should start requiring a flower arranging meditation for KFB, Patrick.

Alright, last thing I want to throw at you tonight. Today, I'm feeling stronger and more balanced. Last week, my body felt weak. It was in constant pain, all the exercises felt harder than they had felt the week before. But, today was different. My balance was right on in ballet. AND, my flexibility is markedly improved. In the picture below, look at the pose in the bottom left. I was able to balance on both sides in this pose. My hips weren't open as much as they're supposed to be for it, but they were open more than they've ever been in the past.

I feel like there was a lot of muscle building happening last week. I'm not sure how the body builds flexibility, but however it does it, it was doing it last week. Either that, or I'm relaxing more. Maybe it's a bit of both...at any rate, my stretches were deeper and more satisfying yesterday and today.

Well, I guess I've thrown a lot out there this evening. No blogging until later in the week, for me and for you. I'll leave you with this awesome quote Noah, our CSA farmer, dropped into our newsletter.

Whatever you can do or

dream you can do -

begin it.

Boldness has genius,

power, and magic in it.

Begin it now.

-Goethe

Day 42 - Crash & Burn

Party was amazing. I consumed my weight in sugary, fatty goodness. Brownies, cake, halloween candy, you name it. I crashed and burned in a blazing wreck of taste sensation. I gorged. It's been 6 months since I allowed myself that kind of over-the-top consumption. No alcohol. Just sweets, sweets and more sweets. It was fabulous, and I will pay for it. I accept and welcome my fate.

Pictures to come....

Day 41 - CSA!

I'm squirming with excitement right now. Why? Because I got my first newsletter from my CSA (community supported agriculture) farm, Swallowtail, which means I get my first delivery on Monday!!! I paid $550 (actually $275, splitting my share with a friend) for 6 months worth of local, organic produce and other random good foods. The pick-up point is walkable distance from one of my jobs. Here's a excerpt from the newsletter to get you pumped up, too:

So, a great warm welcome from all of us that have been working at the farm, preparing for this coming week! Zach and I and the rest of our crew have been doing much preparation, and are excited that the time has finally arrived. We have been preparing ground, busily planting, harvesting sweet potatoes from the summer, growing corn and sunflowers and beans and peppers and eggplant and so much more.

We have installed a walk-in cooler in our barn, we've poured a floor, and are in the process of building on a greenhouse for the winter. We're also building a second shade-house for our baby plants. I am going this afternoon to pick up chickens, and a movable house that they will help to fertilize our fields with, and next month, we will be bringing cows to the farm. The swarm of bees that i caught over the summer time have settled in nicely and are building up their honey stores for winter. The cowpeas that we planted as cover crop over most of the fields in summer have ripened and will yield very soon to new beds and winter rye and oats and winter peas.

This coming monday will be our first day of Community Supported Agriculture at the UF campus. It brings me great joy and appreciation that this effort is underway, and that the farm to campus connection has been initiated. I am certain there will be a sweet something created by this happening over time, and that it will serve a small but pivotal role in the enrichment of our food culture here in Gainesville. I want to let each of you know how important your decision to support a small, sustainable, local farm is; in my understanding, this model of agriculture and farm to consumer relationship reaches to the very roots of so many of the challenges we face in our time. You are truly pioneers here in the South with the CSA movement, and I appreciate your faith, your commitment, and your support of Swallowtail Farm.

You're jealous, I know. It's ok, I would be to if I were you. (Frozen vegetables, Ren & Patrick? Yuck! ;-P) I feel like Christmas is coming or something. I'm THAT excited about my surprise shopping bag full of goodness. Since I'm splitting, I'll probably still have to supplement from our local grocery, which stocks local produce, too, but since I may be leaving Gainesville in early spring, I didn't want to commit without someone else to benefit from and receive the rest of my share. Plus, one share is, from my understanding, a brimming grocery bag of food. We'll see. Pictures to come on Monday. I'm waiting for the day when the marijuana production is legalized, and we also get a small monthly share of locally grown herb in our bag of freshness. You're probably thinking that's just ridiculous, Jenny. Yeah, maybe, but why? I mean, in all honesty, it's easy to grow outside as long as the seasons are respected, but you're right, it's been so demonized by bad press that the idea of it being so easily attainable is likely impossible in my lifetime. Still, getting it in such a way would solve a lot of the conundrums that are mixed up in my decision to smoke. I have decided to abstain while training because it does affect me in a way that is not optimal for this project, but I still have zero problem with partaking in a responsible, moderate manner. Much like I believe alcohol or sugary, fatty foods should be consumed...

My real reason for considering giving it up is much more complex than just, "Oh, it's bad for me. It's a drug. I shouldn't smoke it." That reasoning just doesn't fly with me. I know that I can control myself and my urges at this point. Since I stopped smoking, I've had zero urge to seek it out, no cravings for it and miss it only slightly in certain situations. I look at my bong everyday when I get home and it doesn't cause stress, anxiety or longing. I can control the urge. Easily. What really gets to me is the karma associated with the purchase of a bag of MJ. The drug trade in Mexico is out of control. The drug trade here is full of evil and suffering, too. When I buy $50 worth, I have no idea what journey that little bag has taken or who has been hurt in the process of getting it to me. The idea of supporting an industry that spreads so much pain gets to me, just like that video of the little male chicks being ground up alive.

The only way to solve this ethical dilemma is knowing my source. That could mean a pot CSA or actually growing it myself. I would grow it myself, but I no longer think the risk is worth the reward. I support it's legalization, and I support allowing private citizens to grow a small number of plants for personal consumption. I don't expect the big drug companies to be on board with this, and I suspect this is part of the reason for the slow process of legalization. I, also, expect that the drug lords will do their part in impeding the legalization process, too. The last thing they want is for control of such a valuable commodity to be in the hands of the people where it fucking belongs (excuse my french, I get passionate about this subject).

I just bought a $0.10 copy of Small Is Beautiful and am about to dig in. I've been wanting to read this book for a long time. I expect it will cement my belief in decentralization of so many processes. My only problem with decentralization is how to accomplish it....right now, I don't see any attractive way to do this through our political system. ~sigh~ Ok, I'll just leave off now. I'm getting into too much with this post. My mind is flowing uncontrolled at this point. :)

DIA DE LOS MUERTOS PARTY TONIGHT!!!! Wish y'all could be here. xo!

Day 39 - Cravings

I've been having cravings but not the typical junk food cravings. All I want nowadays is milk, yogurt, eggs, sweet potatoes and avocados...with a little honey in the mix for sweetness. I swear, I could live off these things. I could go buy some random protein for dinner tonight and probably should, but I really want the same thing I had for dinner last night. 2 eggs scrambled with thyme, grape tomatoes and a wee bit of sharp white cheddar, seasoned with nothing but white pepper. On the side, steamed broccoli and sweet potatoes, both plain, nothing added. I just don't want anything else, and the broccoli is just to throw in some variety and green.

Also, ballet wrecked my legs last night. My groin muscles have been aching ALL DAY LONG. I think I'm gonna soak in a hot bath this evening. Maybe that will help relax things?

Day 37B - Haiku, anyone?

Banana tree leaf

Washed in moonlight and dew;

soft, cool suppleness.

This morning, with the moon bright and direct overhead, I saw my banana tree as if for the first time. I touched one leaf, felt its softness, held it over my head and scrutinized its internal anatomy outlined through moonbeams, let the dew from the underside trickle down my arms, rubbed the silky smoothness against my face. I realized its enormity.

In a month or so, North Florida will experience its first frost of the season, and my banana tree will die. I'll hack the dead stalk down with my machete and drag it to the forest to decompose. It will never bear fruit, but next spring, without fail, it will re-sprout from its stump and begin the cycle all over again.

If I ever end up in a loony bin, it might be because someone caught me petting my banana tree. I looked crazy but I felt completely sane.

Day 37A - Ugh.

I just ate fast food for the first time since Indulgence #2 on PCP. My excuse, I just plain ran out of time today. I had to eat before teaching (in 2 minutes), and I bought a Chargrilled Chick-fil-a sandwich. I figured, at least it's not fried and comes with a whole wheat bun and lettuce and tomato. It was GROSS. I mean, so much salt it was burning my tongue. Is that even possible??? It's final. My tastes have changed. I'm oversensitive to salt. Too much is a bad thing.

Tune in later for some Haddle Haiku. Seriously, I wrote a Haiku this morning to share but not right now. :)

Day 36 - Relaxing to new levels

Good workout this morning, great ballet class tonight. Not perfect, just noticing improvements.

Now that I'm aware of the tension I unconsciously held in my body, I can actually focus on relaxing into new levels of kicks, power punches, stretches and ballet balance. The pull in my right leg isn't completely healed, but I was able to swing through it this morning with little pain. I love freestyle. Each set flew by and I found myself wanting to just punch and punch, kick and kick. I will make that teeny tiny evil ball my bitch. I also noticed that when I let my body relax, my balance was much more stable in ballet. The legs were tensed holding me up but when I let the rest of my body just relax into the posture, I immediately stopped wavering. Felt right.

I can't help but connect all of this to my emotional situation early in the weekend. I was really feeling the weaknesses in my body, the injuries, the limitations. At the same time, I was seriously reflecting on some life issues. The relief from the emotional turmoil came at the same time I discovered and truly understood the usefulness of letting go of tension during my workout.

So, what are we in right now, Week 6? I feel like it's taken me this long to discover a key that will open the door to real progress. Exit Jenny.

Enter the Ninja....

Day 35 - Practice makes perfect

My emotions are back in balance. I enjoyed the wedding reception last night. Danced my ass off in my blazing red come f%&k me heels. You know the kind. I don't get to wear them often, and it was fun to pair them with a $2 thrift store dress. It's the first wedding reception in a long time that I've done sober. I loved it, and left early enough to get some decent sleep. Win.

I also made it to the Asian festival today. It was actually some quality time with some of the same friends I've been feeling distanced from as of late. :) Among the things I enjoyed at the festival today, a performance by Chinese acrobats, Aikido demonstrations, beautiful bonsai trees, spicy Kung Pao peanut ice cream (sorry, I felt it was sinful to pass up trying this flavor, DELICIOUS!), and lots of window shopping the booths.

Tonight, I watched our local roller derby team. If I was going to stick around Gainesville for awhile, I might consider going out for the team. That shit looks fun, and I could dress all crazy and slutty and it would be acceptable! Instead, I just watch. The home team won. And, a couple girls on the other team cried.

Last thing I want to share tonight...I ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. Got a gigantic bowl of tofu rice noodle soup. 'Twas excellent. And, in my fortune cookie, "Practice makes perfect." Auspicious.

Day 34 - Emotions

Ugh, so the last post sort of unleashed a lot of emotions that I didn't expect. I cried last night before bed. I cried while attempting to focus on my breathing this morning. I've been an emotional roller coaster since I posted it. Maybe that's why I avoided putting it out there....

I changed my plans from going into work and the Asian festival to staying home today, working in the yard, cleaning my house, and avoiding contact with people until later this evening when I will dress up and go to a masquerade ball wedding reception after party blowout. Work and the Asian festival will still be there tomorrow.

Day 33 - Fear

I've been thinking about this post for awhile, and I'm still unsure if I can pull it off. I know in my heart what I want to say but I'm not sure if I will convey it precisely. Might as well give it a go, yeah?

The motivation behind my decision to do this KFB completely sober was, well, fear, or rather, the need to look my fear straight in the eye and see what comes of it. I've only realized this recently, I didn't really realize it when I made the decision. I just jumped into it. Ok, sober, GO! Though, I should go ahead and confess that I had 2 glasses of white wine last Saturday night. I bought some to cook with and decided that it was OK to mindfully enjoy the wine while eating my soup and blogging. The rest of the wine has sat untouched in my fridge and will probably stay there until my Halloween party, at which time I'm sure someone will happily guzzle it. It was good, I enjoyed it, and I don't feel too guilty about it. I did have a little twinge of guilt the next day, but I seem to have let go of it since I only just remembered that I'd drank that wine.

Let's get down to the meat of things. My fear. Really, this doesn't stem so much from alcohol consumption but more from MJ smokage. Alcohol is so common that giving it up really isn't THAT big of a deal. People might be a little weirded out for awhile, but in the end, I won't lose any strong connections by giving up alcohol. Weed on the other hand. Well, it's a sub-culture and it binds me pretty tightly to a few of my friends. In fact, it's a pretty central factor in my relationships with a couple of people who I hold dearest to my heart. My fear is that giving up MJ will be the beginning of the end, and oh god, is that scary, scares me to my core. I know, perhaps you're thinking, "Well, if these people really love you, it shouldn't matter. They should support you." And, you'd be right in thinking that...they do support me and they do love me, but it doesn't matter, our relationships are still drifting apart.

And, it really started when I started to focus inwards on myself, changing my eating habits, my workout habits, my focus in life. It's made me a more pleasant person to be around, but it's reduced the amount of things I have in common with everyone around me. And, at the same time, their lives are changing, too. We just pull further and further apart. The love is still there but the actual time spent together is diminished and will continue dwindling. I think I feel it most acutely because I live alone. I have a lot of time to reflect on it. To watch it happen. To feel it happen because there is no one here to distract me from the pain and the sadness of letting go and moving on.

Let's get a little more detailed with this and talk about the two relationships that are centralized in many respects on getting high together. One of them, I don't worry about too much. I know, in my heart and my entire being, that no matter what this person will love me into infinity and beyond. I don't even need to be near him or talk to him to know that the love is there and that he thinks about me often. We are naturally, inexplicably connected. Though I have stressed about our relationship in the past, I don't anymore. It's the most comfortable and wonderful friendship/love that I've ever experienced.

The other relationship is, well, different. We've been slowly but surely drifting apart, for many reasons. My major worry is that giving up MJ will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I've long been afraid that the only reason this person spends quality time with me is to get high. Without the MJ, why would he come hang with me? We were super close a year ago, and it all centered on partying and getting fucked to hell together. Now that I'm doing neither of those things, well, he's there but not the way he used to be. And, maybe that's partially because I've become more self-sufficient and I don't need his support as much.

Anyway, the point is, all of this change is super scary. I've embraced the change because I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be healthy, awake and aware of my life. In the end, all of these relationships will disappear anyway. When we die, our connections as we know it will be severed, we'll be disbursed and recycled into some other form of energy. I don't expect to be aware of this life and what transpired during it, but then, who knows really? So, considering I don't know anything about the future, I want to try to let go of that fear of the future that paralyzes me right now, and perhaps enjoy my relationships more for what they are instead of worrying about what they aren't and what they won't be in the future. And, I really think that I'm better able to do this with a clear, sober, focused mind.

Day 32 - Just do it

To those crazy people thinking of doing next round of KFB (you know who you be), I say, go for it. You've got the food down. No challenge there. (Speaking of food, I've been rockin' the stir-frys lately. ) The workout is fun, but tough. Tough in a different way than PCP, though. I want to say its more mental but then PCP was pretty mental for me. Really, I think for me it's just highlighted my most despised physical weaknesses and brought them to the forefront. An example. I know that I'm supposed to relax when I'm stretching, but I get so goddamned frustrated with my body's limitations that I screw up any potential progress, which then spirals into me being annoyed with myself for being frustrated, causing more stress and more tension, a vicious counterproductive cycle. (Sometimes I think Patrick that you can read my mind). Then, I see an adorable little carolina wren bouncing from limb to limb in the gigantic azalea bush outside my window, twittering at me, watching curiously. And, I smile, regroup and relax. But, it's a process, and right now, I'm really feeling my weaknesses.

I know, I know, I just wrote that great inspirational post about my core strength, but what I really want is to be able to do be able to bend my body in the ways I ask it to bend. And, it just doesn't. Part of the problem is overcoming the mental block that stretching is different than strength training. If I can train my body to do pull-ups, then I must able to train my body to do a split. But, really, can I? At this point, I'm just not so sure.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. I'm a little scattered tonight. I only wanted to give you some encouragement and say go for it! Don't YOU want to have your most offensive limitations highlighted? That's right, offensive. I'm totally offended by my body's utter lack of flexibility.

On an upnote, my teeny target is hung right underneath a glass light shade and every time I make a good uppercut connection, it hits the lamp shade, DING! You know, like those sledgehammer strength challenges at the fair. DING!! Hehe. Brings me great joy.

Day 29 - Core

Over the last week or so, I've noticed an amazing amount of strength in my core. My core was strong at the end of PCP, but it's getting stronger at a fast pace. I've been hyper-conscious of how vital my core is to every exercise we do in this program. I've especially noticed it in the pull-ups, how my core tightens as I lift myself. My back muscles have certainly grown stronger, but I think a lot of my added success in pull-ups comes from core strength as well. I'm at about 4 on my first set now. 1 on the second. My kung-fu sit-ups are much improved. I remember my first attempt at one a few months ago, laughable. I was lucky to get my legs at a 90 degree angle, now I can do about 6 or 7 pulling up to 120 degrees with miniscule swing. So, this is where I've really seen strength gains.

Target punches went okay. Not beautiful but not completely embarrassing. Targeted kicks. HA! What a joke! I do like the bob and weave aspect of dodging a teeny flying ball, but timing my kicks and getting the accuracy to hit the ball as it swings around...wow, we'll see how this goes into the future.

I've been treading lightly with my right leg. I pulled something on the inside that I can feel mostly in the straight kicks now. The shoulder is almost better, not 100% but better. I do what I can, and try to remind myself that we're only a month into this thing. 2 more months left? A lot is going to happen.

Day 28 - Oh sweet, sweet hot chocolate

I'm burning my tongue as I sip my wonderful, steaming mug of hot chocolate. I find it very hard to wait till it cools to drink it...trying and being completely unsuccessful. :)

I wish everyone else as much enjoyment as I'm getting from this heavenly concoction.

Day 27 - Chicken soup

Ok, I'm not even gonna try to be bashful about this...my home-made chicken soup is da bomb! This is a first time recipe for me. I searched around online, got a base for a wild rice chicken soup and went to creating a masterpiece. The special part about this chicken soup is that it is ENTIRELY from scratch. I bought the whole chicken, roasted it, made chicken tacos out of the meat, boiled the carcass for stock, picked the rest of the meat off the bone, used stock for soup. Nothing wasted. I gave the bones to the raccoons. So, in this post, I'm gonna share some recipes.

First, roasted chicken. Honestly, roasting a chicken is about as easy as it gets. I make a rub, which I slather under the skin and let sit in the refrigerator overnight. Here's the mixture for the rub:

2 ts salt

1 ts sugar

1/8 ts ground cloves

1/8 ts allspice

1/8 ts nutmeg

1/8 ts cinnamon

5 cloves garlic, crushed

I also squeeze a lemon over the chicken and put the squeezed lemon inside the chicken with some apple slices. I don't know what this does, I just do it. Seems to work out for me. Roast 15 mins at 450/500, baste with drippings, reduce heat to 425 and roast for 30ish more minutes. Internal temp should be 180 F, let cool 20 mins before cutting into it.

I just pull as much meat as easily comes off and then save the carcass to boil. I like to use the meat to make tacos. I make my own taco seasoning. 'Tis as follows:

1 Tb chili powder

1/4 ts red pepper flakes

1/4 ts oregano

1/2 ts paprika

1/2 ts cumin

1 ts black pepper

3-5 cloves garlic

1 small onion

I'll sauté the onion and garlic in a bit of olive oil, throw in the spices and mix around, add chicken and maybe a 1/2 cup or so of water and let simmer for 5-10 minutes. Bam! Chicken tacos. I've basically been eating 3 tacos for lunch all week. It's a lot of food.

Ok, now, chicken stock. Throw the carcass in a big pot, cover with water, simmer on low all day. Strain the stock, let cool. Laddle as much of the fat off the top as you have patience for...pick the rest of the chicken off the bones and throw in the stock. That's it. It's super easy. Think of all the goodness in that stock. AND, it's not over salted like the chicken broth in the store. I looked at that broth today, it's disgustingly salty.

Now for the crowning glory. The wild rice chicken soup that I'm eating as I type this post. First step, cook the wild rice. Look up how to do it online, that's what I did. I've never actually cooked wild rice before, this was my first go-round. Good stuff. I used a cup of dry to 3 cups of water. I think next time I'll use a little less water, maybe 2ish cups. Also, I bought a few extra chicken breasts to add to the soup. Cube those and cook them up at any point. For the actual soup, throw all the following ingredients in a big pot, bring to a boil, simmer for 30 minutes. I didn't measure anything, just went on what I thought might be appropriate. All veggies were chopped coarse, all herbs chopped fine.

Chicken stock (I used all of the stock I made)

celery

carrots

green onion (chopped fine)

okra

shitake mushrooms

parsley (Patrick, here's a good use of parsley)

thyme

3 cloves garlic

a few dashes of white pepper

salt to taste (not a lot for me)

lots of black pepper

1-2 Tb nutritional yeast

After the 30 minutes is up, melt 2 Tb butter, stir in 1/4 cup all-purpose flour, add to soup and stir. This adds a bit of thickness as does the okra, and considering the yield of the soup, I don't think the amount of butter is really gonna mess with our diets. Add extra chicken, wild rice and 1/2 cup of dry white wine. Heat through and serve. Keep in mind that the wild rice will take almost an hour to cook.

Here's a pic of my dinner tonight. It's a hearty soup for the cool evenings. A little goes a long way. The saltines are a little comfort food. Takes me back to my childhood.

The picture just doesn't do it justice. It was a wonderful soup, not too salty but full of flavor and freshness. So, my KFB lovies, that is how you buy chicken at its most inexpensive and use it to its full potential. I encourage you all to give it a try....

So, for mindful consumption tomorrow morning, COLOMBIAN HOT CHOCOLATE, that's right I hollered it at ya. Hot milk, melt in the chocolate that I received as a gift, drink mindfully. :) I've been saving this gift for the right occasion.

Day 24 - Incense

Usually, I use the incense in the same way that I use bird songs, to come back to the moment. Like sound, though not quite to the same extent, smell seems to be an effective focus point. I assume that's why incense is used so often during meditation. Today, I used my incense in a different way.

Just before starting my meditation, my phone rang. Normally, I would completely ignore the phone during a workout or a meditation session, but I knew this would be my Belizean soulmate calling to check-in. We only talk about once a month, and I think it'd be nearly 6 weeks since our last phone conversation. I decided the phone was more important than meditation at that moment. I ran for my phone, sat back on my cushion and chatted while staring out the window at the morning. Per usual, my incense was in the window so as to waft through the room at the slightest hint of a breeze.

After hanging up, I had every intention to do my normal meditation. Sit facing the wall and focus, but instead, I noticed the two streams of smoke billowing off each side of the incense stick. For some reason, I'd never payed close attention to this smoke, other than just to wave a breeze at it and watch as it parted and swirled chaotically. This morning, I was sitting still and right in front of it. Instead of chaos billowing off the stick, I noticed a fascinating pattern. The smoke fell off the stick forming a vortex on each side. They looked something like this:

I would choose one line and follow it until it disappeared. As the vortex opened up the lines of smoke danced gracefully to the ground like ghostly ballerinas. Seriously. Beautiful. One teeny weeny breath and everything fell into chaos, but then immediately back into order. I don't know how long I sat there, still, watching, then puffing a teeny breath just to watch everything disintegrate and re-pattern into a unique but always similar vortex.

I don't know how long I sat there in complete and total focus on this smoke, but long enough to count for a 3-5 minute meditation. So, I counted it. I was more in the moment then than perhaps any of the formal sitting meditations. Though, I realize that sitting meditation is difficult because you are actually observing the mind and that's part of its benefit. But, this was good, too. In that moment, it was me and the smoke and it was perfect.

P.S. No, I WAS NOT stoned! Remember, 90 days of sobriety, baby, 90 days!

Day 23 - Sleep

Oddly, I feel as if I've been needing less sleep lately. I'd say I've been averaging 6ish hours per night. I'm almost (but not quite) wide awake at 5:30 AM and only get tired around 11 PM at night. I'm not overly tired during the day, though around 3 PM I usually get that I could take a nap feeling. In an ideal world, I would power nap every afternoon. Even without the power nap, I feel fairly well rested. After reading tonight's email, I'm now more convinced that it's partially the kung fu. I felt like I needed a lot more sleep during PCP. Am I crazy? Or, just getting used to less sleep? Perhaps it also has something to do with being completely sober?

Also, I've been thinking this and thought I ought to just say it. I love the workouts. LOVE them. PCP was the type of workout I forced myself through, this is truly, honestly fun for me. I wouldn't trade my PCP experience but these workouts combine all of my favorite things into one. Cardio, strength, martial arts and stretching, perfect. I've taken many kickboxing and yoga classes, but what I like about these workouts is their small manageable pieces. I get a little of everything I love every single day. Good stuff, y'all!

One last thing. I've got something going on in my right shoulder. It's been bothering me since last week. If I hold my right arm straight out with any weight in my hand, it feels like a pulling pain in my shoulder. It's not the whole shoulder either, it's just this one certain area when I hold my arm out in one certain way. Any ideas? I'm able to do the exercises, but the blocks this morning were a bit tricky.

Day 21 - Six-pack

This is for you, Ren!

Second fitness date today. 4-mile run on my favorite trail.

Finish run, I take off my shirt to cool down. No, I didn't do this for his benefit. It's my routine. I get sweaty and like to feel the breeze on my skin.

Dude says while staring at my tummy: "Have you always had a 6-pack?"

Jenny smiles: "What?! This old thing. You wanna touch it?" No, no, no, I didn't really say that, but I did say, "Naw, it's only a few months old, wanna touch it?"

Dude, "Really?" And, immediately feels up my rock hard abs.

Nice, but whatever, FTSP! I am so much more than my abs. :) And, I must say, this guy is a little indecisive and slow-moving for my taste. I mean, I don't mind the respect of taking it slow, but I like a little confident, take-charge action, and he's more like an unsure boy. Oh well, whatevs! I had a nice run this evening and just enjoyed a beautiful sunset from the comfort of my spacious backyard.

All's well with the workout. I was a bit over-indulgent yesterday with food but back on target today. I ate some killer smoked ribs last night. They were cooked on a smoker that I pitched in on for some friends that recently got married. YUM! My stretch was nice this morning, but I really have to take it super slow getting out of it. Meditation good. I did two longer (15 minute) sessions this weekend. Yesterday was great. Today, my mind was all over the place. I find that (besides my breath) I come back to the birds. So many birds outside in the mornings. They really bring me back to the moment. Also, the cars rushing by on the highway outside my house. So, sounds, sounds seem to pull me back from my incessant musing.

I'm mulling over a longer, more serious post for the near future. I've been thinking a lot about fear lately and how it shapes my life and my actions. Soon, I will throw some of those thoughts onto the interwebs for your feedback.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!! xoxoxo!

Day 19 - Improvements

A quick update this evening. I've made vast agility improvements. My uppercut's a bit messy still, but my straight punches are much quicker, more precise and I'm keeping my guard hand up at all times. My flying kicks were more coordinated this morning, and my side kick, well, I dare say it actually looked and felt halfway decent. I'm pleased with my progress.

Loving all balance exercises! From now on, I will be doing the entire workout barefoot. I've always done the stretching without shoes, but for some reason, stuck with shoes for the rest. I don't know why since I workout on SHAG carpet. The shoes probably counteract the shag cushioning. :)

BTW, I meant to say that the video regarding crow was mucho helpful. Nobody ever really explained it to me in any terms that made sense. I like the way you broke it down to be simply, find your center of mass. Duh! I've always been made to feel like I needed special strength to do crow. Not that I've ever been all that in touch with my center of mass. This project is helping me find it.

Day 17 - Botanica

Amazing, fabulous, breathtakingly stunning. If ever you see that this is in your town, go see it. Just go. Even brought on the misty eyes.

After these past few months of training my body, I watched the performance through a new set of eyes, a perspective that understands the difficulty of every little movement executed to near perfection by the dancers. Such strength, such flexibility, such CONTROL.

If you didn't follow the link I posted in my last post, I'll just embed the video here and force it on you.

Day 16 - Zapped

Ever tried to teach Mendelian genetics and modes of inheritance to a roomful of 18-21 year olds? No? I don't recommend it. Every time I teach this lab, it's the same. Students just have a hard time grasping how genetic traits sort out in different ways. I always work double time in this lab, even triple time. Students are just sucking at my brain, every one of them. I've explained independent assortment, autosomal linkage and sex linkage to almost 40 individual students today. I feel like I've been run over with a train. Seriously. I'm always amazed at my complete and total physical exhaustion after a mentally taxing day. Other than teaching, it was a chill day for me, but I'm more zapped right now than I ever am on a normal "busy" day.

Anyway, looking forward to applying energy transfer to tomorrow morning's workout. Also looking forward to seeing Momix - Botanica tomorrow night. I've got a 5th row center orchestra seat. Exciting!